Fear and Self-Abandonment

Fear and Self-Abandonment

The very normal or common response I think a lot of us have to fear is to simply avoid that thing which we view as scary. I’ve been experimenting with facing my fears more lately and it’s taught me a thing or two that I hope may provide a different perspective for you. Fear isn’t just something to take a deep breath and jump head first into. It’s a little more complicated than that.

For some context, a lot of my personal fears come through when I share who I am with others. It’s scary to open up. It’s scary to share what’s on my heart. It’s scary to put myself out there. Yet, I crave that relational intimacy that comes from being open.

So, we can know what we want but, at the end of the day, the challenge is to move past the F E A R.

Where do these fears come from?

Before we try to overcome a fear, it helps to know where it originated. Fear doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It comes from learned patterns we’ve experienced or things we have been told repeatedly. Sometimes fears are very subtle and, as I said before, we can navigate life quite fine just avoiding those things. Other times, the fear seems to affect E V E R Y T H I N G.

When I fear sharing who I am with others, that could be a result of numerous times I opened up and was not understood, or the times I shared how I felt and was rejected.

In fact, we all can take our fears and use them to train ourselves to stop before even getting started. All we’d need to do is look at the past, focus on our mistakes or how things didn’t work out, and use that as an excuse to self-abandon now.

To dismiss your desires now.

To choose the overly safe path now.

To not be honest now.

To say that what we want now is not more important than our fear.

I used to ask my friends who were more inclined towards risk-taking how they do it–how do they move past fear? One thing I remember hearing was that it isn’t about risks not being scary to them, they just learned to grow thicker skin. Essentially, you want to do the thing so badly that you can’t get it out of your mind, so why not do it and embrace gratitude for the moment you decided to G O F O R I T?!?! No matter what the result may be! Doing that once lessens the fear, doing it twice makes it easier, and continuing makes you believe in yourself. Challenging yourself to confront your fear, even in small, bite-sized ways, builds your sense of confidence and trust in yourself.

The real question is: how do we let go of the fear?

We can want to overcome a fear but that isn’t enough to help us move through the actions required to face the fear. As I was recently shown by a dear friend, a lot of the ways we hold ourselves back has more to do with the kind of person we think we are. The scripts we keep reciting about who we are have us reinforcing consistency of our character and not allowing flexibility for us as a human.

An over-association with any one quality of our character can be enough to make us think we *have to* be a certain way. For me, I can let my own pride get in the way of being honest and open with others. I sit on my high horse and expect things from other people–for them to meet my needs–without me having to come down to ground level to actually engage in the natural way I know I would benefit from engaging.
fear and self abandonment quote melmakesithappen

It’s not always pride that keeps us stuck in our fear trap.

It can be our ego.
Shame.
Guilt.
Expectations.
Worries.
Holding onto the past.
Victimhood.
Trauma.

Perhaps a combination of these and perhaps something I did not name here. The thing is, these are all character traits that don’t need to define us. We may have lived with them for so long that we don’t know how to define ourselves without them. That is part of the work. These traits becoming limiting and get in the way of us being our true selves and give us excuses, justifications, and rationalizations for why we should stay safe and not face our fear.

I want you to remember–and this is a reminder for myself just as much as you–every time we choose to let fear run the show, we engage in self-abandonment.

When you practice moving from that place of feeling, from that place of trusting soul callings, from knowing nothing is a mistake and everything is just a lesson to clarify your path… you take inspired action. You move past the fear and you choose you. You choose to trust that the thing you want, no matter how much fear you may hold about it, is calling to you for a reason. It won’t stop calling. So, can you trust yourself to come head-to-head with fear for the chance to get the thing you want most?

2021 Reflections

2021 Reflections

Through the ups and downs of 2021, I recognize the biggest thing I’ve grappled with is giving myself permission to take up space. Today I share with you my reflections of the past year. These are the lessons I’ve learned, beliefs I’m integrating, and ideas I hope to carry with me (but perhaps may still need to be reminded of).

In keeping with the “Mel Makes It Happen” brand, I very much think of myself as being a go-getter. However I am so easily phased by setbacks or things not working out. Obstacles often make me take a step back, hermit (ala my 6/2 profile in Human Design) and think about the future that I want. Reflecting on my actions and the results can be productive but I recognize how much I was hibernating instead of making my dreams happen. I was waiting for something in my life to change instead of making my own moves.

My method for manifestation very much aligns with my Human Design type. I could write a whole post on what “waiting to respond” as a Manifesting Generator means to me but for now I’ll just say taking even a small action on anything can kickstart a lot.

So, enjoy reading about some things I’ve discovered, some things I’ve taken action on, and some ways I’ve been able to embrace myself more honestly this year.

melanie 2021 look how much we have grown this yearphoto

// 2021 Reflections //

Leaning into my interests is the most powerful fuel I could ever ask for. It amps up my creativity, gives me something to look forward to, and helps me feel like I am progressing as I learn new information and skills and then apply them! Emphasis on apply! 

When I was uninspired and each day felt like it was the same as the one before, I had to ask myself: what do I want to do and where am I spending my time now? I would fill my day with chores around the house, cooking or procrasti-baking (if you know, you know), or letting random emails derail me into a clickfest and Google search frenzy. We won’t even talk about the distraction that social media can be. After I had a clean picture of what my daily habits and tasks were, I slowly worked on penciling in pockets of time to do something pleasurable. I “made the time” as the phrase goes. 

A big part of making time for my interests involved setting boundaries. I love just doing my thing and not having to inform anyone else about my personal doings but sometimes it helps to fill others in. One I have to reinforce every so often is: my mornings are for me—please don’t call me or disturb me at that time. A big boundary I had to set was around cooking for my family. I used to frequently make dinner for them but as I tried to make time for my own interests, it was taking too much time and energy from me and I had none left for the things that mattered to me.

Honestly, re-shaping my belief about what I am deserving of is also a huge thing I had to do this year. I come from Baby Boomer parents who had nothing handed to them and had to work for all they had. I have a father who says “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do” and a mom who never rests and constantly plays the martyr. Some important teachers in my life have shown me that life should not be joyless. That may not be a concept older generations grasp easily but I do not believe in a joyless life. I am not here to live a joyless life. Thus, it is important for me to prioritize the habits and activities and whatever else helps me feel like and be the best me. 

I’ve had to trust the feeling and not what sounds good on paper. Bless my parents and friends who just want me to get a stable job and a reliable income and save up money. They’re heard me talk about what I want, a desire to live someplace else, cravings for more, and dreams I’d like to make real. They always bring it down to money, though, as if this is the key to a happy life. The times I’ve worked jobs just for the money, I’ve either exhausted myself so much that I feel uninspired or simply have little energy to do what I want to do when I have the time. It doesn’t make sense to work so hard for money and not feel like it’s making my life better. What does feel like it’s making my life better is setting my own routine, being able to stretch and walk around, take a lunch break when I want to, and being able to spend time on my art.

Right now, I am not employed in the traditional sense of the word. I don’t work a job where I clock in and clock out. I haven’t wanted that for a long time and I think it’s been a shadow-y piece of my psyche for a while, something I’ve been afraid to admit. I don’t want a traditional job! *Imagine me screaming this from the rooftops* I’ve been afraid to tell others because they’ll think “Okay, if not a traditional job, what then?” and I don’t have an answer for them. I don’t really know what my work life is going to consist of because I’m still creating it today. It isn’t as simple as a title of this or that because I wear many hats to feed my diverse interests.

To embrace an unconventional path has also meant learning that not everyone is going to understand me. I try so hard to make others understand me by going out of my way to research and explain things that I don’t personally feel necessary. I don’t have all the answers (I likely have very few, if that) but I do have a trust that the right opportunities come through for me when I decide I’m worth investing in. Perhaps this is the freshest reflection on this list, as I am just beginning to embrace this. It feels so good to my Leo moon to be seen and understood but not everyone is going to see what I see and I have to be okay with that. I may wait forever—as I felt like I was, months ago—if I am waiting for someone to validate my interests, my ideas, and my existence, truthfully. 

melanie art event 2021 reflections post

Of a similar thread, I can’t let the fear of not being liked keep me from being myself. I’ve always tended to people-please, preferring not to rock the boat, because I thought this was the key to friendship and love. With Uranus transiting over my ascendant this year, this has felt like added encouragement to stop worrying about what others think of me. It’s a huge worry! Yet, the person I’ve been cultivating within is asking to come out more and more and it is a disservice to that person to stay small. I realize that there’s a lot of people who don’t like me and I’ve gone out of my way to try to appease them. I can’t create world peace but I can be transparent and put my most authentic foot forward and hope that the people who are for me will stick around and anyone not interested will just move along.

With that concluding my 2021 Reflections, I’ll leave you with a few things I am hoping to carry with me or do more of in 2022:

  1. I want to practice being my own validation. Give myself permission to take up more space, talk about my interests, and do the things I want to do without waiting for some exterior force to first tell me that what I’m thinking/feeling is valid.
  1. I want to have the courage to try, to ask for help, and seek accountability when needed. In 2021 I worked with a coach/therapist, dove into ceramics classes at a local studio, and started taking singing lessons. I also worked with a business coach that was a little beyond me and signed up for business classes that didn’t align. You win some, you lose some, but either way you learn. I want to keep being unafraid to try.
  1. Surround myself with people I can vibe with. Friendships have always been a challenge for me (Saturn in the 11th house) but I feel like stepping into my passions helps give me confidence in who I am, thus, allowing friendships with like-minded folks more natural.
  1. Grow my business—whatever that might be. Right now, I’m loving doing art and am open to seeing where that goes. That may mean doing art events, commissions, selling prints online, murals(!!), or who knows! As well, I love using Astrology and Human Design to understand myself and the world and I hope to share these tools with people more in 2022. As someone who has struggled to feel worthy and deserving for much of my life, I seek to help others overcome that habit of playing small and I know that will carry through in whatever business endeavors I pursue.
  1. Follow my strategy and authority. This is Human Design speak for trusting myself and taking steps! All steps lead somewhere so be unafraid to take steps even if I don’t know where I’ll end up. The picture will clarify along the way. 
  1. Keep pursuing joy. What excites me, fuels me, and makes me happy is the path I want to be on and the right path for me.

I think that sums up some of my most valued takeaways from this year. It’s hard to make sense of what was happening as I was in the thick of it but I feel like I have more clarity now looking back. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my 2021 Reflections! Feel free to share this post with a friend or leave a comment letting me know any reflections of yours. 

 

Much love!

Melanie

P.S. If you enjoyed this, you can read last year’s 2020 Reflections post and 2019’s Reflections here:

mel makes it happen 2020 reflections hello 2021 new year intentions

 

Living for Joy ~ The Paradigm Shift

Living for Joy ~ The Paradigm Shift

Many of us come from an ancestry of hard-workers. People who would wake up at the crack of dawn to prepare meals for their family, tend to the land, or head off to work, only to return when the sun sets. Then they would go to bed and do the same thing all over again the next day. For many, this routine wasn’t founded out of enjoyment for their tasks, but out of necessity. Our ancestors lived their lives working to provide. That was the only way they knew.

This is not to say that many of us now cannot be hard-working or experience moments where we, too, are working to provide. However, there is an energetic shift that has been simmering over the years and now I see it emerging more and more. Many of us now don’t want to have to do the hard work. Traditionalists would say this mindset is a bad one and ask, “What will happen to society?” but I think this speaks to the deeper calling within us that has longed to be heard.

Humans want to do something meaningful. For our ancestors, that involved contributing to their lineage. Working not for themselves but for the grandchildren yet to come. Building wealth and doing what needed to be done to secure the family’s legacy.

Now, we crave doing work that is meaningful and, given the foundation our ancestors built—within our family structures but also within society as a whole—we feel more adept to pursue our passions. Again, traditionalists may call these new-age-thinkers selfish, but this generation emerging is the tail end of those willing to live an unimpassioned life.

We seek joy.

Before, there was so much in society’s infrastructure building upon our needs for survival. Even into the 19th and 20th century, much of what was built came from necessity, not necessarily joy.

What the traditionalists do not see, and what society has yet to experience, is that when people are able to pursue livelihoods chosen out of what brings them joy, that benefits everyone.

Happier people create a happier society. Happier people have much to give because they have filled their cup first. Happier people are secure in their own joy and, so, they can help others advance.

Everything builds upon each other. It might seem radical and it might seem disastrous to let the “individualists” run the show, but they have not ever been chasing a life of self-absorption, they have been chasing a life of fulfillment. The plague of insults the Millennials, and some of the Gen X group, have received paint them as shallow and superficial in their desires—claiming that they do not want to work.

Quite the contrary: no one before them has shown what it is like to work in something they love. What they aspire for has not been done before.

Their parents and their grandparents hated their jobs or broke their backs doing arduous labor. They witnessed this of their ancestors and found no joy in such a life of depletion. This is the generation that sees work as something that should add to their lives. So they had to learn how they can work AND do something that they are passionate about. Joy is non-negotiable.

I’d even go so far as to say it would be a dishonor to the ancestors who came before us to not pursue joy. They paved the way so we wouldn’t have to break our backs, like they did. They carved out a society that supports free enterprise. They helped create opportunities for those that came after them.

Societally, this is where things are going. More and more people are waking up to the reality that they can work WHILE experiencing joy, it doesn’t need to be one or the other.

This paradigm shift towards living for joy impacts everyone, including you. Thus, I’d invite you to notice what brings you joy. How can you allow that joy to take up a greater part of your life and lead you forward?

Looking for something to read next? Try this:

 

Intellectual property, faulty systems, and appropriation 

Intellectual property, faulty systems, and appropriation 

Where did you hear that? This belief that you hold—you must have heard it from somewhere, right? Can you cite the source or point out the original creator? It’s important to give credit where credit is due, but what if you’re not sure where you learned something? I’ve seen people get called out over situations like this on social media so I thought I’d explore this topic a bit.

When do you give credit for an idea?

Much of what we know and have today is built off of something—even if just a little—created by someone else. When information is taken word-by-word from another source we know to use quotation marks and reference the author. The same could be said for ideas, too, if they are shared in a way that, again, resembles the original source. 

Where things get dicey is if you learn something and then make it your own. You might even learn bits and pieces of things from multiple sources and then make that your own. The more information you take in, the more confusing it can be to remember who said what. It may be that one source has a certain belief, but you can mull it over and create your own belief system through that—a belief system that may hold almost no discernable ties to the original material.  You could then cite a reference of “I learned this from so-and-so” but is that really necessary? 

In academia and research, it may be. For the common person, well…you’ve got to decide for yourself.

I’ve seen people blatantly steal intellectual property from other creators and pose it as their own without a single reference to the original source. Other times, we can hear something through the grapevine and not really know who the original creator was.

When someone utilizes a practice that is derived from another culture, religion, or a specific group of people, is that cultural appropriation? What if they did not have knowledge of the origins? I think intention is important to note here and I like to give the benefit of the doubt that most people do not mean to intentionally cause harm. However, many people may not understand how an action they engage in, which seems so far removed, could impact anyone. 

I see us as all being part of a huge melting pot of cultures, beliefs, viewpoints, backgrounds, and more. Sharing an array of ideas from all of these different places and systems is what helps us develop who we are. There is no one way to learn. You don’t have to dedicate your life to studying ancient scriptures to be able to work with their principles now.

What about when the original source is faulty?

The fact is that many of the beliefs we hold or systems we engage in have some flaws that could cause harm. If we learn from a person who does not cite their sources or who fails to teach their audience about the cultural origins of a practice, are we now misinformed? 

For efficiency’s sake, sometimes I don’t want to hear the whole history of whatever whatever. I don’t think the intentional stealing or repurposing of others’ original ideas is fair, but I also don’t expect everyone to be an educator. It’s not like we don’t have access to Google anyway.

Sure, it is important to know what you are getting into before getting involved with something or someone, but sometimes we simply do not have all of the information. Often, we (only want to) know what we need to know right now. Information is constantly unfolding so it is unfair to expect to know everything, have all your bases covered, and be a flawless human being all of the time. So that shouldn’t be expected from the people we learn from—educators or not.

Holding room for possibility.

We often experience cognitive dissonance when there is any blight in a system we are involved with. It can be easier to play ignorant or disengage completely. Yet, how can we see that someone or something is faulty and simultaneously holds value? How can we allow two possibilities to exist at once and make an informed decision for ourselves?

In our current state of the world, I think nuance and context are really key here. In my eyes, you can take what you hear, read, or learn and establish your own beliefs. Not everything will directly tie to the original source so you’ve got to use your reasonable discernment. It’s up to each of us to find what is correct for us.

 

Looking for what to read next? How about: How You Do Something Versus Why You Do Something and the Mental Traps That Creates

Where I’ve Been, Phases, & Self-Connection

Where I’ve Been, Phases, & Self-Connection

Hello bloggy blog! It feels like eons since I’ve shared a post here. I’ve been moving through different phases, attempting to do things I thought I should do, and learning that change doesn’t have to mean doing things I don’t want to do. I’ve felt like less of a jumbled mess but I think I’ve still been misdirecting myself more than I’d like. I kept running into the same roadblocks, the same hurdles, and feeling stuck. For me, these have been signs (that I kept bypassing) indicating I wasn’t in alignment. 🚫

Alignment, I feel, comes from doing what feels good to me in a way that uses my skills, talents, and abilities properly. It includes feeling supportive and seen but not forcing anything to happen. In this space, things just F L O W. 🌊This feeling is essentially what I’ve been in search of for so long, but recent months showed me that I was not living in a way that was conducive to this spirit of purpose, ease, and flow that I craved.

Let me fill you in on where I’ve been the past few months….🧐

I’ve been trying to grow my social media presence and I spent a period of time posting everyday even though I don’t always feel inspired to. It also takes a BIG chunk of my time on the daily to compose Instagram reels (which are primarily what I was posting). Just to break it down: I have to prep, film, edit, compose a caption, and then strategically post it at the right time for the algorithm, plus seek out accounts to engage with, and prepare to do that all over again. So, I was totally plowing through my energy reserves and practically making Instagram a full-time job…except it was a job that paid me nothing.🤪

What’s more important for me to note is how I was completely bypassing how I felt when the signs of unhappiness were there. 🤦

    • I lost the creative joy I used to feel from creating Instagram posts. I was making content based on what I thought would hit, and not content that I actually wanted to make.
    • I was letting myself feel pressured from others to PROVE MYSELF—to prove that I am enough.
    • I was following tons of business and marketing accounts and taking in an excessive amount of other people’s advice, while suppressing my exhaustion with the whole process.
    • I was forcing myself to be on social media A LOT and chat/message/comment/engage when my naturally introverted self has a pretty low bandwidth for socializing.🥴
    • I felt like I was trying to push products/ my services to prove myself.
    • I felt like I wasn’t being seen by others for my knowledge, skills, and talents, and to combat this…I kept creating more offerings, making more posts, and doing more in an effort to get ahead.  

Whew! I’m exhausted just from writing that list—but not as exhausted as I was when experiencing that practically every day for around 2 months. So when you mix it all together, what do you get? A recipe for burnout.😩

We live in a society that values productivity and practically mandates people work, in the paid sense of the word. Work is literally anything you spend your time on! If we were to look at work through this perspective, then it neutralizes it. ➡️ Work doesn’t have to be hard, laborious, stressful, involve long hours, be for someone else, or even involve pay. #ThingsINeededToBeRemindedOf The work I think we should value more is that which makes us EXCITED or brings us SATISFACTION with how we are using our energy. 🍧

I’d like to take the concept of work a step further and say it’s worthwhile work to spend time with yourself. No one taught me this but it’s something I’ve learned to be true over and over again. Therefore, excessively doing in recent months led me to craving and taking a big break (from Instagram, my podcast, and my business) to come back to me. As a creative individual, I really think spending time with myself not only recharges my battery but gives me the space to notice my own good ideas. 🎨 If you’re always around other people or doing things you don’t enjoy, that tends to silence your own inner voice. Who are you if you aren’t in touch with yourself? 

Considering self-connection is an area that I have felt lost with multiple times in my life, I can offer some solid advice, from personal experience, on how to come back home to yourself.

1. CREATE SPACE🐚

It can be hard to recognize what’s not working for you when you’re IN the thick of it. In this case, you need to put some distance between you and the thing (or person).🕶️ Separation creates space. For some, this newfound space may be all they needed—i.e. It wipes an unnecessary task or two off your plate. For others, having space in their life allows them an opportunity to get some perspective—perspective that can even help them change directions. However, let’s not get ahead of things quite yet!

2. WORK ON THE BASICS

What do you fill your time with when you’re in this place of more space than ever before? 🍹 If you’re hyper-conditioned by society (hello, you’re human) or really desperate for direction, you may be tempted to launch into anything! I will caution you to take a step back and breathe. When you’ve been in the work, work, work or do, do, do mode for so long, it’s hard to be still with yourself. 

When I create space in my life, I tend to cut ties with extraneous responsibilities and just focus on the absolute bare minimum. I’m not saying you have to do the absolute bare minimum but I find this helps me rest and find my footing again. 🧘‍♀️ Bare minimum also doesn’t mean stare at a wall all day. For fun activities: I lean into meditation, no-pressure creative projects (i.e. something you’re doing just for you), and spending time with my family and pets. These are simple things that make me feel like ME.

3. ACKNOWLEDGE THE PHASE🌻

I believe we go through cycles and sometimes we’re in a phase of the cycle that calls for doing more or doing less; sometimes it calls for planning or reassessing. Regardless of the point in the cycle we are in, we know that it will circle around, as cycles do. We struggle and overcome, and then struggle again and overcome again. That is life—filled with learning and growing. 🎱

The best thing I have found, as I luxuriate in this space, is to not put pressure on myself to hurry up and “fix” myself. I’m not spending time on rest or joyful hobbies to simply recharge and throw myself back into stuff that I hate. No. I’m spending time on these things because I deserve it and it makes me feel good. If you spend time on yourself with *rushed energy* or the energy of “I’m not deserving of taking time for myself”, then that cuts you off from yourself and all of the beautiful things in life meant for you.

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite people. Mark Groves, on the Mark Groves Podcast, says:

If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s always going to feel selfish.

💗💗💗