In conversation with a dear friend of mine recently, he said one thing he likes about me is that I am tirelessly ambitious in the area of self-improvement. He said it with genuine admiration and I appreciated his noticing because I’d say that’s a quality I highly value in myself. Ambition, not in the cut-throat, reckless sense of the word but in the goal-setting, driven meaning of it.
I pride myself on self-development and, because of that, I like to see other people improve themselves.
There is a popular quote, attributed to Jim Rohn that goes, “You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with”. It is a phrase I’ve heard tossed around but I’ve been considering how that rings true lately. I think the intention behind the words is to keep people around who are supportive in your journey. Not just people who will give you a pat-on-the-back or offer the standard, “Congratulations on your achievement!” sort of support but people who will go through the thick of the roughage with you and you with them!
It is already difficult enough to make friends who are like-minded, supportive, and willing to put in effort into a friendship. We attract and maintain friendships with people usually because they serve one of those 3 purposes. Yet, I’ve also been thinking about how the needs of my own friendships have changed over time.
In my young adult life, I discovered the concept of self-work and, as I mentioned earlier, I enjoy spending time on that.
The act of setting goals and creating intentions is part of my weekly, if not daily vocabulary. I even have a list of the many areas I’d like to grow in and things I’d like to accomplish but I recognize I can only sanely manage a few things at a time. Therefore, I frequently set mini goals to work on and over time, use these to gauge my improvement. This is the sort of stuff that lights me up. I love seeing growth in myself through measures of my own design and my own choosing. I digress….
So, what has been troubling for me to discover is that not everyone is on the mission of self-improvement. I don’t mean to be so ignorant as to assume everyone wants the same thing as me. However, I admit I was under the impression that others wanted more, too.
This isn’t about me being young and naïve or having a world of possibilities ahead of me. (Though, many people I’ve spoken with who are older than I am like to say that.) I believe self-development knows no age limit. I’ve seen it play out firsthand that one is never too young or too old to take an interest in improving themselves. All a person needs is a desire for change and a little motivation to propel it forward.
For some, they are content with what they have and where they are at. They may not even be thrilled by the life they are living but they are comfortable and that is enough to keep them stagnant or simply not searching for more. To clarify what I mean by more, I’m talking about the stuff we can’t touch. It is common for us to think of ways to “improve” ourselves through a job, our paycheck, or being able to afford to purchase things we like or want. However, those are all material things and the intangiblemore isn’t visible on the physical plane we often dwell. The intangible are the goals and personal growth I was talking about earlier but also connection! While elusive to the naked eye, all of this is much more substantial and satisfying to our spirits!
People, of course, have the right to live their lives as they wish but when I am considering the people I surround myself with, I seek depth. I want to be able to share my experiences with people close to me and have them understand. I want to hear about the obstacles and naysayers standing in a person’s way and feel inspired by their persistence to combat the barriers in front of them with a brave face. I want to have relationships with people where we can discuss how we would like to strive for more—not because we are wildly dissatisfied with our current state but—because we know there is more to experience!
I have done a lot of self-work and only see more room for my own improvement. The less acknowledged area of exploration is the universe that exists inside of us. So, for me, it isn’t a chore or a mission; it’s just empowering to see what I am capable of and be brave enough to challenge myself even when the future is unknown.
I spend so much time with myself and consuming content from online influencers who are of a similar vibe but I want that real life connection. It’s awesome to open up my phone and have this inspiring influx of information but I feel called to reassess the friendships I have held onto so tightly. Little by little I have lost touch with more friends than I have acquired. That is okay because it is all about quality over quantity for me. However, as I’ve been going through my health coaching program, I see a huge potential for expansion in myself. I then look around me and am at a bit of a loss for individuals of the same vibe to share in the journey with.
Without going into all the details about childhood wounds and whatnot, I’m now able to reflect on the people I’ve surrounded myself with throughout my life and how they’ve served me. They benefited me for the place I was at but I can now look back and realize I wanted more then, too. It’s like, when you have a feeling of something and you just don’t know the word for it. I could feel I wanted more out of the people I surrounded myself with but I did not know what that meant, nonetheless how to acquire that. In recent years I’ve been able to understand myself and my needs a lot more. So, I’ve come to a place where I can’t save space for people who aren’t voracious about improvement or motivated to be better.
I do not have ill will toward any of the friends I grew up with or met later in life. I think everyone is where they are supposed to be for their personal journey. Some people stay content forever without ever doing the self-development work that I am personally so invested in…and that is okay. However, it is accessible to everyone. There is a universe that exists inside of each of us and we can all explore it if only we have the desire.
The greatest thing I can do is learn and when I feel the changes I seek in myself happening, I am encouraged to keep going. It is a process that knows no limit to depth. So rather than be preoccupied over where the high-vibe, growth-driven people I desire are, I trust the process; that through my self-work, I am already calling in the expansive people who can journey with me at this next part of my life.
Have you cut ties with friends because you needed different things than they could provide? Or have you grown with your friends? I’d love to hear what your experiences are.
I try to make this blog a positive space while also acknowledging the very real, and sometimes messy, things I’m going through. I hope sharing my experiences provides you with stories you can relate to or provides some value as far as letting you know that we all have some hardships and things we’re going through.
I’m actually writing this post from the wooden bench seats inside a local Starbucks, sipping an Earl Grey tea. Okay, not sipping yet because Starbucks boils the fuck out of their hot water so I will scald my tongue if I even attempt to drink it right now. Can you relate?
Sometimes it is something small that brings us together, like our thoughts on (the temperature of) drinks at Starbucks; other times it is a little heavier. Today I’m going to address love and how that translates from our experiences in our head to our heart.
In the month of December, a friend of mine spoke about how just because some people are not in her life anymore that does not mean they can’t be in her heart. At the same time, she recognized that she could be in other people’s hearts, too.
We have criteria for judging whether or not someone in our lives is living up to the tile we give them. If it is a friend or a romantic partner, we have some expectations for what that means. In my experience, I’ve struggled with having people come into my life and say they care about me but not showing that. When someone I consider close to me also vocalizes my importance to them, I wonder how it is that we can separate. Where does the love go?
FRIENDS
For a long time, I was holding onto frustration with a friend of mine who I have known since junior high. It’s a special kind of friendship when someone has known you since you wore checkered Vans and chalked your hair (every generation has their trends). There have been times where our friendship seemed to fizzle and I couldn’t understand what changed. Usually it was the hurdle of distance that we would need to overcome but we would always come back to each other.
Though, during the past year I have noticed us growing apart in a different way. Her life is heading in a different direction. I’m really looking to grow myself and she’s looking to settle down and grow her family. This isn’t a recipe for a friendship breakup but my efforts to keep up with her are not reciprocated. She’d put aside hangouts we’d schedule for minor things that would come up. Rescheduling just never happened and, naturally, I took offense. I remember her calling me her best friend on multiple occasions so what happened to that?
I felt like I was always available as a friend to her and she wasn’t nearly as available for me. Some people might say this is a clear point to move on when I obviously am not receiving the amount of effort I put in back toward me. Still, I remember when I was important to her. So, I’ve come to a place where I release the frustration and resentment and just accept. I think of my friend’s words and muse that, perhaps, this is what love is like now. I don’t have any less love for her just because I’m not one of the first few to hear her big news or because she can’t meet up with me. Love has transcended into a more sophisticated sense of respect. At least, that is what I hold for her…and maybe that is what she holds for me, now, too.
It was only recently that I started to think of love’s ability to touch our hearts for longer periods than someone’s presence can provide. Just as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we feel the pain of separation from someone we care about deeply. Yet, it is with that mentality that I can hold love and great appreciation for a person whom I no longer have around.
LOVERS
I once was asked if I had ever been in love (romantically). My then 23-year-old-self responded with an absurd sounding number, like 7. The person I was speaking with made me feel a bit silly because several of those people I was “in love” with I was never in a relationship with. They all felt important to me at one time though so, if they weren’t all loves, then maybe none were. I then responded with, “none” as my answer. I was still met with a skeptical response.
At the time, I couldn’t quite constitute my thoughts surrounding love but I’ve since recognized that love exists in many forms. Love isn’t always reciprocated the way I wish. However, that does not take away from how I feel about a person or the magic they possess. The memories I have of a person hold a love that is unchangeable. In this current moment in time, situations may be different but I must fairly acknowledge the feelings of my younger self and the sparks that were so important to her!
If I do not respectfully label the love I had for a person when I was younger and somewhat naïve as such, then with what marker can I use to assess love in my life now?
The person who was disbelieving of my number of loves was also one of my loves. After saying 7, and then none, I settled on one. One was all that mattered then. He thought I was speaking about my last boyfriend but, little did he know, I was talking about him.
In my efforts to keep this post somewhat valuable and not just a gushy diary entry, I’ll spare you the details of what transpired between us. Although, if you’re interested, I have described a little bit about what happened in this post. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but I couldn’t help but fall in love with his light and his imperfections the first moment I spoke with him. I knew I wanted to be with him. Consequently, for a long time, my perspective on how everything played out was blinded by my feelings. Feelings which did not allow me to even attempt to wrap my mind around how someone could say he cared so deeply for me yet not want to be with me.
I doubted myself so much after that. I doubted my ability to see what I felt was a light in someone else. I doubted my judgment of what risks were worth taking. I remember his hurt expression on that dark and distant day when I said I loved him—and that made me doubt my ability to put trust in my heart.
He and I spent the better parts of several weeks together but I cannot attempt to understand what goes on in someone else’s head. In the end, all I was left with were his words. Words that validated what I felt we shared but were accompanied by actions that I disagreed with. I think many of our relationships can unfold this way. We say what our heart feels but our head provides the guidance for actions. This same person once said to me that we are in a constant battle between logic and emotion and it’s hard to decide which one we’ll let win.
For my friendships that have faded and my lovers lost, I cannot hold a space for you anymore. Instead, I hold onto the memories that touched me and the feelings that changed me. All of which remind me that love does not only exist in one way. Love is as free-flowing and constant as you allow it to be. It is this mentality that encourages me not to be afraid of putting my heart out there again.
The impact of people who have come into my life, for however long they stayed, does not go unnoticed. Those outward expressions of love that we experienced cannot last but they can exist in our hearts for as long as we desire. They exist as a reminder that we are alive, we feel, and that love is ours to create and give to whoever we want.
This post is dedicated to Teresa, whose words about our hearts and love made such an impact on me.
The idea for this post came when I started working at my recent office job. I quickly realized that my style of communication amongst friends was a little different than the ways coworkers at my office tend to communicate. I can be sociable but the hard part is always starting because, hey, talking to new people is scary.
Also, it might sound inherently obvious that things are and should be different online than in real life. You can’t go around using internet lingo like, “YAS GIRL!” when you agree with someone else. Nor is it appropriate to introduce yourself to others using photos instead of actual words. So, for someone who got used to communicating primarily through internet / social media (i.e. Instagram + My Blog) I had to up my social skills so that I didn’t seem like the girl who lived under a rock.
Here are some things that I discovered make for easier in-person communication:
Know who you are.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked what I do/did before working at my office. I disagree with defining oneself solely by jobs so feel free to throw in hobbies or activities that also describe a bit about you. (In such a situation, I might say, “Oh, well, after I graduated with my Psych degree in 2016 I’ve been doing some volunteering at local organizations but I’ve also used the time to explore my own interests, like cooking.”)
Ask people about 1) what they do or 2) themselves.
This tip will rarely fail you because people like talking about themselves. If someone lets on that they’re passionate about their work, go ahead and ask about it. This is especially useful within a work environment so that you can get an idea of people’s roles and the teamwork aspect. If outside of a workplace, try to AVOID asking about work. I know this sounds contradictory but there is a time and a place for everything. Unless your conversation partner brings it up, its best to stick with lighter topics because, surprise-surprise, not everyone likes what they do.
Common knowledge is only common knowledge amongst your peer or familial group.
It basically goes out the window when interacting with a mixed age group or even people of varying backgrounds/cultures. Someone else might not know the latest street slang, that ubiquitous Top 40 song, or even what you’d consider BASIC information in your field of interest.
For a personal example, I’m a foodie (definition: a person who enjoys all things food –there I go with the subculture reference :p ) and enjoy hearing about nutrition-related advancements and plant-based culture. Though, most people are not in my same boat and I can’t expect them to want to taste something green when that is unfamiliar to them. Some people are proud of themselves for having just given up drinking soda a few months back. Whenever I’ve heard this I used to think: what?! Who still drinks soda? Don’t you know how bad it is for you? Instead, I’ve become better at reframing my thinking to one of less judgment and of acceptance that everyone is at a different place in their life.
It is not ignorance to be unaware; rather, it is ignorance for those who don’t want to listen to what they hear.
To bounce off what I said in the last section, sometimes people aren’t going to be open to what you have to say or offer. Heck, they might never be ready but that’s okay, too. We are all individuals with our own free will. That is not to say that there is some elite group of people who are “more open”, either. We cannot possibly carry the worldly perspective on every subject because that only comes from experience and shared knowledge. It is likely that most all of us have blocks on our openness that just haven’t been pushed or explored yet. Which brings me to…
Listen to learn, listen to grow, listen to communicate and be a better you.
When developing a friendship, acquaintanceship, or any sort of relationship with another person, I value listening above all else. For myself, I get to hear about the other person and feel them out to see what we may have in common. I can also soak up stories about their unique experiences. My downfall is that I can listen to much, but that’s another story. Additionally, if someone extends that same courtesy to you, and is interested in hearing about you, then they’re a keeper. Personally, I feel like this is an indication of how much the other person cares or is invested in what the both of you talk about. People who are only interested in talking about themselves may have some interesting stories to tell but they aren’t going to consider you the way you deserve.
There are all sorts of people in this world and we can’t and won’t get to know them all. Though, I would like to think that the people that we cross paths with are valuable for that, in the very least. Maybe it is just a 5 minute conversation while waiting in line for your latte at the coffee shop. Or, maybe you hit it off with a coworker and something special develops between the two of you. Who knows? That’s how friends or relationships are made. That’s how you develop as an individual. It all starts somewhere. It starts with you putting yourself out there.
Thanks for being here! ♥
Interested in more reading on articles of similar topic?
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