Hello bloggy blog! It feels like eons since I’ve shared a post here. I’ve been moving through different phases, attempting to do things I thought I should do, and learning that change doesn’t have to mean doing things I don’t want to do. I’ve felt like less of a jumbled mess but I think I’ve still been misdirecting myself more than I’d like. I kept running into the same roadblocks, the same hurdles, and feeling stuck. For me, these have been signs (that I kept bypassing) indicating I wasn’t in alignment. 🚫
Alignment, I feel, comes from doing what feels good to me in a way that uses my skills, talents, and abilities properly. It includes feeling supportive and seen but not forcing anything to happen. In this space, things just F L O W. 🌊This feeling is essentially what I’ve been in search of for so long, but recent months showed me that I was not living in a way that was conducive to this spirit of purpose, ease, and flow that I craved.
Let me fill you in on where I’ve been the past few months….🧐
I’ve been trying to grow my social media presence and I spent a period of time posting everyday even though I don’t always feel inspired to. It also takes a BIG chunk of my time on the daily to compose Instagram reels (which are primarily what I was posting). Just to break it down: I have to prep, film, edit, compose a caption, and then strategically post it at the right time for the algorithm, plus seek out accounts to engage with, and prepare to do that all over again. So, I was totally plowing through my energy reserves and practically making Instagram a full-time job…except it was a job that paid me nothing.🤪
What’s more important for me to note is how I was completely bypassing how I felt when the signs of unhappiness were there. 🤦
I lost the creative joy I used to feel from creating Instagram posts. I was making content based on what I thought would hit, and not content that I actually wanted to make.
I was letting myself feel pressured from others to PROVE MYSELF—to prove that I am enough.
I was following tons of business and marketing accounts and taking in an excessive amount of other people’s advice, while suppressing my exhaustion with the whole process.
I was forcing myself to be on social media A LOT and chat/message/comment/engage when my naturally introverted self has a pretty low bandwidth for socializing.🥴
I felt like I was trying to push products/ my services to prove myself.
I felt like I wasn’t being seen by others for my knowledge, skills, and talents, and to combat this…I kept creating more offerings, making more posts, and doing more in an effort to get ahead.
Whew! I’m exhausted just from writing that list—but not as exhausted as I was when experiencing that practically every day for around 2 months. So when you mix it all together, what do you get? A recipe for burnout.😩
We live in a society that values productivity and practically mandates people work, in the paid sense of the word. Work is literally anything you spend your time on! If we were to look at work through this perspective, then it neutralizes it. ➡️ Work doesn’t have to be hard, laborious, stressful, involve long hours, be for someone else, or even involve pay. #ThingsINeededToBeRemindedOf The work I think we should value more is that which makes us EXCITED or brings us SATISFACTION with how we are using our energy. 🍧
I’d like to take the concept of work a step further and say it’s worthwhile work to spend time with yourself. No one taught me this but it’s something I’ve learned to be true over and over again. Therefore, excessively doing in recent months led me to craving and taking a big break (from Instagram, my podcast, and my business) to come back to me. As a creative individual, I really think spending time with myself not only recharges my battery but gives me the space to notice my own good ideas. 🎨 If you’re always around other people or doing things you don’t enjoy, that tends to silence your own inner voice. Who are you if you aren’t in touch with yourself?
Considering self-connection is an area that I have felt lost with multiple times in my life, I can offer some solid advice, from personal experience, on how to come back home to yourself.
1. CREATE SPACE🐚
It can be hard to recognize what’s not working for you when you’re IN the thick of it. In this case, you need to put some distance between you and the thing (or person).🕶️ Separation creates space. For some, this newfound space may be all they needed—i.e. It wipes an unnecessary task or two off your plate. For others, having space in their life allows them an opportunity to get some perspective—perspective that can even help them change directions. However, let’s not get ahead of things quite yet!
2. WORK ON THE BASICS
What do you fill your time with when you’re in this place of more space than ever before? 🍹 If you’re hyper-conditioned by society (hello, you’re human) or really desperate for direction, you may be tempted to launch into anything! I will caution you to take a step back and breathe. When you’ve been in the work, work, work or do, do, do mode for so long, it’s hard to be still with yourself.
When I create space in my life, I tend to cut ties with extraneous responsibilities and just focus on the absolute bare minimum. I’m not saying you have to do the absolute bare minimum but I find this helps me rest and find my footing again. 🧘♀️ Bare minimum also doesn’t mean stare at a wall all day. For fun activities: I lean into meditation, no-pressure creative projects (i.e. something you’re doing just for you), and spending time with my family and pets. These are simple things that make me feel like ME.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE THE PHASE🌻
I believe we go through cycles and sometimes we’re in a phase of the cycle that calls for doing more or doing less; sometimes it calls for planning or reassessing. Regardless of the point in the cycle we are in, we know that it will circle around, as cycles do. We struggle and overcome, and then struggle again and overcome again. That is life—filled with learning and growing. 🎱
The best thing I have found, as I luxuriate in this space, is to not put pressure on myself to hurry up and “fix” myself. I’m not spending time on rest or joyful hobbies to simply recharge and throw myself back into stuff that I hate. No. I’m spending time on these things because I deserve it and it makes me feel good. If you spend time on yourself with *rushed energy* or the energy of “I’m not deserving of taking time for myself”, then that cuts you off from yourself and all of the beautiful things in life meant for you.
I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite people. Mark Groves, on the Mark Groves Podcast, says:
If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s always going to feel selfish.
I hope this summer has found you well. I hope you have opened up to discovering the possibilities present. I hope you’ve opened up to ways that you can be a creator of whatever it is you want. If none of that resonates, I simply hope you have been happy.
That’s what I’ve been trying to find, trying to be.
I’ve never been the kind of person who uses the word happy as a state-of-being. Partially because I’m naturally a little manic and fluctuate between feeling over the moon excited, pit of despair depressed, and the most common feeling: nothing. There’s a lot of nothing, dull, boring types of moments in my life. Happy seems elevated beyond ordinary in a way I’ve never felt I could meet.
You know those scales with smiley faces at the hospital that say “rate your pain”? There are usually 10 levels, with 1 being the least and 10 being the worst pain. Somehow, I invented my own scale for my state-of-being with 10 being happy. So if 10 is the best, can you really feel like a 10 all the time? No. Or, at least I don’t think so.
Basically I’ve withheld my feelings of being a 10 and being happy for a while.
You might be thinking: why would you do such a thing? It sounds like you’re making life harder on yourself.
Damn right, I am. Primarily, this is because being a ball of stress and anxiety has been my resting state. That is the way I’ve felt for months and that comes from me forcing myself to do a lot of activities and be in situations that I were just not working for me. I was working in a job I hated, which younger me promised this would never happen again, but here I was. Then, even the enjoyable things I did in addition were filled with a rushed and strained energy. Having majority of my days spent on things I hated made me put a lot of pressure on the things I liked to fulfill my every need. Everything was out of balance.
Another factor to not feeling like a 10 has more to do with long-term planning. I might feel good one day but what if I happen to feel even better on a future day? Saving my 10s, essentially. If I rate my happiness today as a 10 then can that future happiness be a 10? As a human being, or maybe simply as me, novelty of experiences impacts the way I feel. I have largely formulated ratings for how I feel based on the experiences I’m having. If novel experiences are rarely repeatable then perhaps my happiness cannot be either. It’s worth noting that I’m not purposefully doing any of this.
Through lots of self-reflection, I’ve realized I have been withholding feeling happy because it’s something I can control.
Just to unpack this a little more, it’s not a bad thing to be influenced by experiences as a marker for how you feel. Things like: taking a trip, meeting up for lunch at a new restaurant, talking to a friend you haven’t spoken to in years, trying a new activity are just a few examples of first-time or special events that can really make you feel a little something extra on that day. I can even ride the high for a couple of days!
What happens when novel experiences cannot happen, though? During the coronavirus pandemic, my novel experiences have diminished significantly. There are only so many different teas to make and Netflix specials I can sit through before it all starts to feel the same. Life was feeling comparatively worse than when I was more socially active and got to meet face-to-face with people other than my immediate family on a regular basis. I know I’m not the only one going through this but that thought did not bring me much comfort.
Well, surely, if I was to hear everyone is cured and the world is “back to normal” tomorrow that would make me feel better, right??
For a while I thought so…but there’s no amount of time that the pandemic will last that can make me better. That brings me back to my point about placing my happiness in things happening outside of me.
In days of isolation and monotony, I’ve had to not only create moments of happiness but redefine the purpose of my existence. I say this not to be dramatic (I mean, it kind of is!) but because one cannot happen without the other. Naturally, if I seek to allow myself to say I am happy just because, then I am in control of my sense of happiness.
I am happy to be alive today. I am happy to be able to breathe. I am happy to open my eyes in the morning and begin another day.
A year ago, these words would have sounded so meaningless to me. In a materialistic society, like the one I live in, getting things (whether tangible or intangible) is happiness and success. That’s why I’ve had to take a step back and think of how I could make my happiness less dependent on circumstances or the ebbs and flows of life.
As I shed the work and projects that I was doing before that caused me stress, I feel more whole. It’s easier to find balance because I can spend my days the way I want. Of course, still within financial and circumstantial means but it has given me an appreciation for the simple things and a change in perspective that I was very much in need of.
There’s a book I once read for a college English class called Man’s Search for Meaning. Putting aside the sex segregated title, it is a magnificent book written by Viktor E. Frankl about his time at Nazi concentration camps. Frankl was a Jew, a psychotherapist, a father, and somewhat of an important person in his community. As he chronicles the experiences he has in the concentration camps, his pride, his family, his clothing, and everything that he ever thought that defined him were taken away. Basically, he was forced to redefine his meaning of life.
I am, of course, in much more privileged circumstances at the moment than Frankl was in the Nazi concentration camps, but that is why the book still holds lessons of value. It shows how, in the most dire of circumstances, we all have the choice of how we want to define ourselves, what we believe our purpose is, and what determines our happiness.
All this to say, I now see happiness as something I can allow myself.
I’ve been pushing aside feeling good for a while but each day is a gift. It’s a humbling thing to recognize how magical it is to simply exist right now on Earth. So anything else that happens is just extra stuff outside of me but it is not me. This may sound super hippie-dippie but it just feels true to me. If I had everything taken away from me like Viktor E. Frankl, which hopefully it doesn’t have to come to that but, you know, I would like to be able to remember who I am. Instead of being a girl with many selves and different versions of herself navigating the world, I’d like to be a soul that is whole and one with myself.
While I have a conscious understanding of the mindset shift I’m making for myself, that’s not to say it is easy or that I’m now in some blissed out state! I do believe life should have more ease (this is actually a value of mine) so when things feel forced, I know I am not in balance. At this point I’m not above getting upset about things that are outside of my control and I am sensitive to the way others act toward me or each other. So, it’s a practice to find ease. It’s a practice to not make these outside-of-myself-things mine and not internalizing beliefs of others. For my own sanity and happiness.
There are certainly other layers to this but those will have to wait until another day. I’ve just described one aspect in the giant puzzle of understanding myself and my own humanity. I’ve talked about my experience with people-pleasing and removing all of these things outside of myself to help me get closer to my core. I can’t say that the way I view happiness, or purpose, is for certain but I do know I feel more and more authentic to myself as the days go on.
If you’re open to sharing, I’d love to hear how you create happiness and what your definition of that is. Thank you for reading. Consider sharing this on social media, if you like it.
This post was originally published in July of 2018 with the title “How to Make the Choice to Change – Know Your Worth”. It has been majorly updated to provide better information and clarity on choice and making changes.
There are two significant factors which affect satisfaction that I have noticed in myself and those around me. The first is a real, intentional choice. When we make a choice we are exerting our control over a situation that will affect us and therefore having a say in what happens. The second factor that tremendously impacts how we view ourselves and, thus, what we deserve is our values. While choice is the actionable step to help us make a change, what we value is the motivation behind the desire for a change.
So much of what we do in everyday life is a CHOICE.
We choose to get out of bed in the morning or postpone it by hitting snooze for 30 minutes. We choose to cook breakfast for ourselves or drive through any easily-accessible fast-food chain. We choose to greet people with a smile or walk past strangers without a glance. We choose to react when a friend cancels plans or when the store sells out of our favorite shampoo.
Many times, we consider these things to be controlled by outside forces, situational occurrences, or even other people. When we deflect blame or view our lives as a series of events happening to us instead of because of us, or with us, we relinquish our golden power. We abandon personal responsibility which, yes, may mean facing consequences but it also means having the ability to turn a problem around or craft a new plan of pursuit. I’m all for taking a qualifying stance on issues but, when it comes to my life and choices, I don’t personally see there being an in-between. I am either a victim to my life’s situations or I am my own person. I either have a choice or I don’t.
I believe we all have a choice. It is also my belief that my choice and your choice can happily coexist in the world together.
I won’t go into this subject too deeply but I feel the need to quickly address the “lack” mentality many of us carry. The idea that, “If that person over there has success in his/her career then that takes away from the chance for me to have success in my career”. That is a lie. Success (or whatever quality we may envy in someone else that presumably occurred because of their choices) is relative to each person. It comes from each individual’s perception of the quality.
The forms of choice in a day that I described earlier may seem very tangible but a change in perspective also plays a huge role in the course of action behind a choice. We need not be moving to take a fruitful and actionable step. Sometimes we can physically manipulate the outcome of a situation but, more often, change in the life we experience really comes when our mentality shifts. That is: when we can take personal responsibility for all of the things that are happening to us.
Yet, action is only one piece of the puzzle of choice. Action is meaningless without intention behind it, guiding it.
As humans, we are excellent at justification. It is easier to not take responsibility and not be accountable for choices; then, complain about how our lives aren’t going the way we want even though we so badly wish for them to change. It requires almost stepping into a new role as to how you view yourself and the world–and that takes practice. That could mean saying yes to opportunities that align with your interests and no to that which does not serve you. If that does not offer results, then you may need to reassess your values.
Here’s an easy exercise: write down a sentence naming something that you want, but have not been able to achieve, and WHY you want it. There might be multiple reasons behind why you want it so go ahead and list whatever comes to mind. Then, go deeper and ask yourself why you value that. The goal is to get to the root reasoning as to why you feel something will make you happy.
Many times we can hold onto a very materialistic notion of what can make us happy. This can involve things like: earning a certain amount of money, taking a trip somewhere, having a romantic partner, or purchasing much-desired pair of shoes. This is when we are continuously on the hunt for a new shiny toy, big or small, to spark our interests. Other times, what can make us happy it isn’t anything tangible…but more of a goal or vision of who we want to be or where we would like to see ourselves. I consider situations like this to be a wistful postponing of pleasure. In other words, instead of allowing or cultivating things in your life right now, you opt to wait because you believe later will be better. Later you’ll have more experience, be stronger or fitter, be more financially secure, or simply be more confident in yourself.
I admit, I’m quite guilty of this thought pattern myself. Once in a while I will have a period where I slip into the trap of thinking I’ve been taking action but all I’ve done is find reasons not to do something. It can be a sticky situation. I know I want things to change but I also don’t feel the direction I’ve been going is benefiting me as I would’ve liked. So, where do I go from here? It trickles down to values.
On a surface level, our choices may change but that is because our values change. We then feel at conflict when our actions, whether they be physical or mental in nature, don’t provide changes that we desire. It is a constant work in progress–the old cyclical “lather, rinse, and repeat”. Except, with the topic of change, it is: 1) assessment of personal values, 2) actionable choices, and 3) see where that goes! If the outcome isn’t what you want, then lather up again / reconsider what your motivating values are.
I think there is endless opportunity to feel oppressed and resigned to circumstances. Societal norms have crafted an atmosphere where finger-pointing and projection is easier than dealing with our own problems. However, there is equal if not greater reason to make a choice to change that line of thinking into one that aligns with creating happiness.
If you’ve read this far into the post then you more than likely feel that inkling of a desire to create a change, too. Know that it is possible and, while it requires constant upkeep, it is not a chore. It is a gift to be able to make choices that align with our values and create the life we want. We are all deserving of a happy life; so is there any reason not to start making changes today?
For a long time, I didn’t celebrate holidays at all. My family didn’t decorate the house or dress up or play holiday tunes while I was growing up. I would look to friends in awe off their family’s traditions and celebrations and long for something special. It wasn’t until I was in high school that my family started to get together with extended family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day. As a kid, I had established expectations from movies of what the holidays should look like. Now, I find myself in a rushed state of activity that I worry the holidays will just blow past me before I get a chance to sit down. The thing is, there are a handful of qualities that make the holidays special.
For anyone who has longed for more or can’t manage to find enjoyment in the holidays, for whatever reason, I hope this list helps!
Also, let me begin by saying YOU are special. You don’t need the verification of gifts or other hoopla to confirm that. Still, I know that if you’re reading this you’re interested in how we can increase our satisfaction with the holiday season.
Here are some ideas:
If you’re like me and live in a hot desert town, then you long for a snowy cold Christmas. I don’t have tricks to make snow happen (though cranking the air conditioning might help) but try bringing the festivity indoors! Decorate your house, bedroom, office space—heck, even your bathroom! It’ll add some cheer to the places you spend the most time.
Try lighting some candles or incense that add freshness to the air and encourage positive feelings. Think: peppermint, pine, cedarwood, eucalyptus, or other fresh scents!
MUSIC. Blast those tunes. Throwback to TSwift’s ’06 Christmas album right here…
What are your favorite pastimes? (Perhaps you’ve abandoned that mystery novel you bought at Target—it’s time to start reading it again!) Nothing feels more fulfilling than spending your time doing what you love!
Think about what traditions or activities you loved to do as a kid and recreate those for yourself or for your family. Example: I remember my mom making hot cocoa for me and we would paint bird houses or other knick-knacks to place in our garden.
These drinks don’t require a trip to Starbucks and they’ll brighten up your winter: hot chocolate London fog or apple cider.
I feel like baking is a given but, if not, here it is. When in doubt, bake! Check out some yummy cookie recipes here, here, and here .
Are you watching Hallmark Channel’s Christmas lineup? There are movies airing every single day that are filled with festivity and romance and holiday cheer! If there is one thing I enjoy most about the holidays, it’s watching Hallmark Christmas movies.
Do something nice for someone else. Help your neighbors clean their driveways of snow or offer your time at a nonprofit. The Salvation Army could always use extra hands around the holidays. Or, perhaps, a homeless shelter or other local organization in your area could benefit from your assistance.
Write one or a few Christmas cards to mail out. Your friends, family, or even the troops overseas will appreciate it! Perhaps the last one requires a bit of planning but all-year-round letters are great, too!
It’s okay to recognize that you may be lonely (cue: Lonely People) but you are NOT alone. Call up your parent, sibling, old high school friend, or anyone that you’ve lost touch with. It can be hard to reach out but it is also a joy to hear from someone you used to be close with. Nowadays with the internet, you can also message them on Facebook and plan for a day to meet up. Or schedule a Skype date with long distant friends!
Many times, the people you surround yourself with can influence how you feel. Try connecting with different people in your office or community groups and you’ll find that few people think alike. There are a lot of happy, outgoing people out there and their energy can help boost you up.
At the end of the day, remember that the holidays will pass. Try to find enjoyment in the little things. It might seem like so much is happening right now that you’re not a part of but trust that everything is as it should be.
I’m wishing all of you a happy and wholesome holiday season. Do what brings you joy!
If you’d like, share what you do during the holidays in the comments down below! I’d love to hear how others spend the season. 🙂
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