Do you believe that some problems have no solution? That situations, once they occur, are practically set in stone? Or that you can change the unchangeable in even the most unlikely situations?
I’ve shared before about various physical pain and discomfort that I’ve been dealing with (for a couple of years now). As a quick recap, it started out as TMJ-related jaw and neck pain but the pain has taken on so many varying forms. At the moment I deal with a feeling of tightness throughout my whole body and sharp pains down my back, arms, and hands. It’s a complex situation (and even harder for someone not experiencing the discomfort to wrap their heads around) but you can go read my posts on chiropractic care, and acupuncture treatmentfor some more details about what’s gone on with me physically.
I’m extremely versed in natural remedies, nutrition, holistic methods and the like–yet, these things haven’t quite helped take away my symptoms. At this point my pain isn’t something that I wonder: will it pop up today? It’s something I’ve already created adjustments for to help me manage this chronic issue. I’m not really looking for suggestions but what I do want to say is that all of us likely have areas where we feel like we’re getting by or maintaining something and it doesn’t feel great.
Do you have an area in your life that seems too big or too complex to change?
The optimist in me wants to tout that everything can be improved, however, the way things can improve is going to look different for everyone.
Sometimes change can look exactly like what we have in mind but, other times, we make things better by making other areas of our life better.
For example, I don’t think I’d be in the place I’m in right now, physically, if I decided my pain was too much and didn’t stretch or keep up with exercise. I think those things have helped me feel better! Neither one solved the problem of my physical pain but they sure do make it feel like less of a problem.
So how do we change the unchangeable?
The short answer is: we can’t always.
The long answer is: there are times when we can and times when we can’t.
I’m a big proponent of going after what you want! I lay out how to make the choice to change in this post here, but various factors play into simply having the ability to change. Maybe the thing we want to change is reliant on some other experiences we need to have first so that we can acquire information or gain skills to shift toward the new situation we want efficiently. The downside here is that time is unknown. You can’t put time demands on when you want to “be ready” or have something come to you.
Think of when you last had a heartbreak or split up from a partner. Everyone says, “time heals all wounds” but for a long time you’re probably just sad. That’s because you can’t decide you’ll feel better in 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months because the number isn’t what’s important. What’s important is the experiences you’re having while healing from the heartbreak. How are you taking care of yourself? Are you nourishing other parts of your life? Do you invest in relationships with those around you? Are you building upon your interests and skills? There’s no telling what can happen during the “time” post-fact but eventually it will lead you to a place where things hurt less and then not at all.
On the other side of the coin, and I really hate to say this but, there is the possibility that things won’t change. As in: the specific thing you want won’t change. For example, I know some people have a chronic illness that cannot be reversed. There are treatments, therapies, and lifestyle changes they can make that may help them but nothing will take away this chronic illness once they have it. I never want to tell someone to give up. I don’t believe in that. Yet, it can become dangerously addictive to keep seeking alternatives where there are none. So, at this point you can keep fighting the reality or look to other parts of your life where you can make a change.
Sometimes we can’t change what has happened to us but we always change the situations we expose ourselves to and the way we treat ourselves.
Again, this can look different for everyone. For some people, popping on a movie in the evening helps them forget the stressors of the day at a job they don’t feel they can leave. A friend of mine was working from home and suffering to maintain a schedule, so he requested to work directly at his office and that made a big difference!
Why do we have vacations? Those are also opportunities to take a break from what we’ve been doing and allow rest and rejuvenation. We can essentially seek to incorporate mini vacations, or pockets of pleasure as I like to call them, throughout our day and week.
It isn’t always about changing the thing directly. We can’t always quit the job, move to the place, get rid of x, y, z situation. Whether it be because we aren’t emotionally/mentally/physically/financially ready or because we are still on the journey and haven’t yet discovered the solution(s) yet, these are all valid spaces to be in.
Navigating when you can’t change that specific thing you want
I’ve learned to offer myself compassion more often now than ever before. Limitations, I used to think, were only self-imposed. I didn’t like hearing people blame this or that for their unhappy lives. While I still think you should do what you can to improve your situation, I have more understanding that it isn’t always so quick and easy, or even an option.
That’s okay, too.
We can assess what’s possible, what’s within our means right now, and if the options don’t feel right, then perhaps we set aside plans and concentrate on other areas of our lives for the time being. It’s up to us to choose wisely, while considering where we are, but there is certainly room for both.
Just take care of yourself as best you can, with the tools and knowledge you have now.
On the surface, these may not seem like two opposing ideas–or even two related ideas but they are indeed connected.
For most of my life, I’ve been a holder of expectations. I’d paint a mental picture of the way an event “should” play out, or what I what I imagined I’d accomplish, or worse: how others will react or speak to me.
If you do this currently, I see you and it is totally understandable to want to be prepared and have a plan but actions are not quite as predictable as we might imagine, especially when we are talking about the actions of others. For me, holding expectations only led me to: disappointment, frustration, anger, stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. Why? Because expectations are not reality. They are movies made up in our minds.
What is real are intentions.
Intentions, put plainly, are ways of being. In my experience, I consider intentions to be 1) pertaining to myself and 2) action-oriented. They remove the “wants” or “shoulds” from others and outside events and return my power to me.
My process of intention-setting can take place at the start of my day but, most often, it happens when I feel dis-ease creep up on me. The kind of intentions I like to set are focused on me being the best me I can be–i.e. being kind, loving, peaceful, forgiving, etc. I also set intentions to release. I can get frustrated and tense very easily, so much so that, historically, physical body pain develops even before I realize my own emotions! Although, I’m working on changing that and, the more I connect to my inner self, the easier it gets.
Start connecting the dots.
Anyway, throughout my day, I began taking note of the moments I’d feel the frustration, anxiety, or whatever negative emotion occurs. I then began to see how I was dealing with it. I would not talk about my stressors, I’d bottle them up, bite my tongue, and let the discomfort manifest in my body. I’d clench my hands and feet, scrunch up my shoulders, and stagnate my precious breath.
You may experience different physical symptoms than I named when you experience stressful situations. The thing to pay attention to is what is causing the discomfort.Once you can pinpoint it, then you can start to remedy the situation by speaking up, taking action, or simply releasing expectations of how things should be and focusing on change within.
Let me word this another way. During an oracle card pull, I was shown that I’ve been longing for something. For belonging. Though, to just sit and wish for the connection I desire does not help anything. I have to create what I want to have instead of waiting for it to come. Applying this principle, I have to set intentions for how I want to be (what I choose to see, focus on, and create) and let go of expectations that what I want will come to me. Change doesn’t start outside, it starts within.
Breakdown:
Notice where you feel discomfort
Pay attention to what triggers that feeling
What about the person, situation, or thing is irritating?
Can you change it?
Yes – take action!
No – change your mind!
Set intentions to be truthful with yourself
Toss expectations to the wind! We don’t need them anymore. What is beneficial and productive is holding intentions for ourselves. What expectation can you reframe into an intention?
This post was originally published in July of 2018 with the title “How to Make the Choice to Change – Know Your Worth”. It has been majorly updated to provide better information and clarity on choice and making changes.
There are two significant factors which affect satisfaction that I have noticed in myself and those around me. The first is a real, intentional choice. When we make a choice we are exerting our control over a situation that will affect us and therefore having a say in what happens. The second factor that tremendously impacts how we view ourselves and, thus, what we deserve is our values. While choice is the actionable step to help us make a change, what we value is the motivation behind the desire for a change.
So much of what we do in everyday life is a CHOICE.
We choose to get out of bed in the morning or postpone it by hitting snooze for 30 minutes. We choose to cook breakfast for ourselves or drive through any easily-accessible fast-food chain. We choose to greet people with a smile or walk past strangers without a glance. We choose to react when a friend cancels plans or when the store sells out of our favorite shampoo.
Many times, we consider these things to be controlled by outside forces, situational occurrences, or even other people. When we deflect blame or view our lives as a series of events happening to us instead of because of us, or with us, we relinquish our golden power. We abandon personal responsibility which, yes, may mean facing consequences but it also means having the ability to turn a problem around or craft a new plan of pursuit. I’m all for taking a qualifying stance on issues but, when it comes to my life and choices, I don’t personally see there being an in-between. I am either a victim to my life’s situations or I am my own person. I either have a choice or I don’t.
I believe we all have a choice. It is also my belief that my choice and your choice can happily coexist in the world together.
I won’t go into this subject too deeply but I feel the need to quickly address the “lack” mentality many of us carry. The idea that, “If that person over there has success in his/her career then that takes away from the chance for me to have success in my career”. That is a lie. Success (or whatever quality we may envy in someone else that presumably occurred because of their choices) is relative to each person. It comes from each individual’s perception of the quality.
The forms of choice in a day that I described earlier may seem very tangible but a change in perspective also plays a huge role in the course of action behind a choice. We need not be moving to take a fruitful and actionable step. Sometimes we can physically manipulate the outcome of a situation but, more often, change in the life we experience really comes when our mentality shifts. That is: when we can take personal responsibility for all of the things that are happening to us.
Yet, action is only one piece of the puzzle of choice. Action is meaningless without intention behind it, guiding it.
As humans, we are excellent at justification. It is easier to not take responsibility and not be accountable for choices; then, complain about how our lives aren’t going the way we want even though we so badly wish for them to change. It requires almost stepping into a new role as to how you view yourself and the world–and that takes practice. That could mean saying yes to opportunities that align with your interests and no to that which does not serve you. If that does not offer results, then you may need to reassess your values.
Here’s an easy exercise: write down a sentence naming something that you want, but have not been able to achieve, and WHY you want it. There might be multiple reasons behind why you want it so go ahead and list whatever comes to mind. Then, go deeper and ask yourself why you value that. The goal is to get to the root reasoning as to why you feel something will make you happy.
Many times we can hold onto a very materialistic notion of what can make us happy. This can involve things like: earning a certain amount of money, taking a trip somewhere, having a romantic partner, or purchasing much-desired pair of shoes. This is when we are continuously on the hunt for a new shiny toy, big or small, to spark our interests. Other times, what can make us happy it isn’t anything tangible…but more of a goal or vision of who we want to be or where we would like to see ourselves. I consider situations like this to be a wistful postponing of pleasure. In other words, instead of allowing or cultivating things in your life right now, you opt to wait because you believe later will be better. Later you’ll have more experience, be stronger or fitter, be more financially secure, or simply be more confident in yourself.
I admit, I’m quite guilty of this thought pattern myself. Once in a while I will have a period where I slip into the trap of thinking I’ve been taking action but all I’ve done is find reasons not to do something. It can be a sticky situation. I know I want things to change but I also don’t feel the direction I’ve been going is benefiting me as I would’ve liked. So, where do I go from here? It trickles down to values.
On a surface level, our choices may change but that is because our values change. We then feel at conflict when our actions, whether they be physical or mental in nature, don’t provide changes that we desire. It is a constant work in progress–the old cyclical “lather, rinse, and repeat”. Except, with the topic of change, it is: 1) assessment of personal values, 2) actionable choices, and 3) see where that goes! If the outcome isn’t what you want, then lather up again / reconsider what your motivating values are.
I think there is endless opportunity to feel oppressed and resigned to circumstances. Societal norms have crafted an atmosphere where finger-pointing and projection is easier than dealing with our own problems. However, there is equal if not greater reason to make a choice to change that line of thinking into one that aligns with creating happiness.
If you’ve read this far into the post then you more than likely feel that inkling of a desire to create a change, too. Know that it is possible and, while it requires constant upkeep, it is not a chore. It is a gift to be able to make choices that align with our values and create the life we want. We are all deserving of a happy life; so is there any reason not to start making changes today?
Recently a friend of mine and I were talking about how we’ve been off our sleep schedules. It seems silly to keep blaming the energy from the holidays for us developing a late night bedtime routine but, truly, any slight change can cause our sleep to be thrown off.
If you’re one of those rare few who can drink an afternoon coffee and still go to bed at 9pm AND fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow, then more power to ya! Though, from my experience and the experience of those around me, a sleep routine can be a difficult thing to master.
Some might argue that sleep is variable depending on whether you are a night owl or a day person. I’ll refute that by saying sleep is a matter of routine. Honestly, a couple of nights of staying up late once in a while are not a big deal. When those few nights start to form a routine where you aren’t getting the necessary 7-8 hours of sleep then you’ve got some work to do.
The biggest reason I feel we stay up later than we wish is because we tend to stay active up until bed and that makes it harder for us to actually fall asleep.
Not what you expected to hear? Well, I figure if you’re reading a post like this you’ve probably tried what you think is everything to solve your insomnia.
You probably already know you shouldn’t consume caffeine, i.e. coffee, caffeinated teas and sodas, or energy drinks in the afternoon.
Sugar can be just as bad as caffeine for some people. It is worth minimizing or eliminating sugar in the evenings to see if that helps sleep arrive sooner.
Also, as important as exercise is for us, no one is going to be ready to sleep after sweating, lifting, and maybe chugging a protein shake at 8:30pm or later. I won’t tell you not to do an evening workout but I will let you decide where it best fits in after reading this post.
Food and exercise can certainly impact your ability to sleep at night but so can a few lesser addressed areas.
Time is everything when it comes to sleep.
If you’re still up at 9pm doing laundry, cooking, walking around, or even watching TV, you’re stimulating yourself to stay awake. Think of it: our bodies have protection mechanisms built-in. How safe would it be if we were to be taking a walk and just drop down and fall asleep all of a sudden? Yet, you’re doing all of these activities at night and then going to bed and asking, “WHY CAN’T I FALL ASLEEP?”
The best thing we can do to help our bodies get ready for sleep is to draw the activities in a little earlier. That means eat an early dinner, try to work out in the morning or during the day, and stop scrolling through your phone or surfing the internet late at night.
I think most people know the artificial light from screens like the TV, computer, and phones have a way of keeping us up. Though, I’ll just mention that as a sidenote here incase you didn’t know! If you must do late night work, keep red lights turned on in your house or choose blue-light blocking filters for your electronics. I like f.lux for my computer (PC and MAC) and Twilight for my cell phone (Android) .
Anyway, let’s get back to drawing in those late night activities. I know many people have jobs that prevent them from being home early. So, it is only natural that cooking and leisure time will happen later. Still, keep in mind the time you want to go to bed. Remember that old rule about how we should avoid eating two hours before going to bed? Well, that rule is relevant not just for the sake of digestion but so that you also have a chance to relax as well.
If you can’t meal prep, at least plan your meal out so that you can prepare something to eat right when you get home. It might be tempting to arrive home and take off your shoes and chill but save that for later! I promise you’ll get a chance to do that and it will coincide with better sleep, too. Go ahead and get your food cooking, throw your clothes into the washing machine, or take out the trash. When you get the chores out of the way first, you’ll have nothing but rest time leading up towards bedtime. It’s much more streamlined this way rather than going into spurts of activity and rest then activity and rest.
So, let’s apply that two hours rule to not just food but to avoid ANY stimulating activities before bed. Dim the bright lights in your house, shut down your computer and TV, and puh-lease shut off your phone or put it on airplane mode. You don’t need to do these all at once but aim to slowly knock out each of these one at a time.
It sounds like I’m playing hardball here. You might be wondering what the heck you’re supposed to do with yourself if not eat or scroll through your phone.
Think: leisure and relaxation.
Example activities: playing with your pets, reading a book, taking a shower, doing some light yoga or stretching, and meditation. Instead of wondering what can entertain you at night, opt for self-care and figure out ways to entertain yourself!
If you need to pack a lunch or pick some clothes for the next day of work/school, then consider those as the first activities to do in the evening. Get those done before settling down into your night routine. Once you start the leisure time, you want to stay in relaxation mode.
🌔My night routine for better sleep⭐
I start thinking about how to wind down around 5pm. Yes! This might sound extreme but I aim to be in bed by 10pm. Honestly, I am not so structured that this can’t be adjusted for a date or a trip the movies but I know I want to rise early the next morning (6am is ideal). I want to make sure I get enough sleep so that I can feel my best!
By 5pm, I’m not doing heavy exercise anymore. That is for earlier in the day. I am definitely still doing some computer work but my red-light filter has probably kicked in already.
Around 5:30pm I start preparing dinner. Depending on if I am cooking for myself or for my family, I usually have a meal ready between 6pm and 6:30pm. I aim to stop eating by 7pm. This is more of a metal bookmark rather than a strict rule. More often than not, eating past this hour wouldn’t be feeding actual hunger for me so 7pm benefits me but maybe another time would be a better bookmark for you.
So, after eating, I brush my teeth. I try to do that immediately—again, so that I don’t feel tempted to snack. Then, I might do some more computer work if I’m feeling up for it or watch a movie/tv program with my family. Whatever I choose, I wrap this up by 8pm so that I can take a shower. Hopefully most people already take a nighttime shower but this is a great way to ease into that relaxation mode we’re looking for.
After the shower, it is around 8:30pm and I usually put on a podcast while I dry brush and rub myself down with lotion. I also might do a face mask or jade roll my face at this time, too. Notice how I said I listen to a podcast at night still? I’ll allow a podcast up through around 9:30pm, if I’m feeling it. Like I said earlier, the goal is to ease out of your lights and electronics slowly throughout the evening. BUT if you’re tempted to go on Instagram by having your phone/media device available then say no to the podcast. I’ve developed more of a routine that I don’t feel as inclined to go online at this time of day.
After my dry-brushing and jade-rolling, I like to do some light stretching or foam rolling so that my muscles can relax. Lots of rolling is going on here but it’s all gentle, I promise! 😉 From here, it is around T minus 45 minutes. Depending on how I feel, I might sit and meditate; this could also be a moment for me to journal or read my book.
In an ideal schedule, I’d be feeling sleepy and hop into bed at 10pm. Of course, I’m human and this fluctuates a little bit but I try to stick with this routine as much as I can because I know it’s what makes me feel best.
Alright, I’ve explained my tips for getting better sleep which primarily involves starting your nighttime routine earlier. Just to recap:
Eat dinner earlier ✓
Get your chores or workout done earlier ✓
Turn off electronics ✓
Shower and self-care ✓
Unwind with relaxing movement ✓
Bedtime! ✓
If you can’t do all of these things then try to integrate one change at a time but I guarantee this will change your sleep game. These habits have been years in the making so I’m happy to be able to share with you guys what works for me. If you have any sleep hacks that help you, be sure to tell me what those are in the comments or message me on social media. I’d love to hear!
I can speak from experience when I say: food is more than just food. To me, food is a reminder that we are delicate ecosystems reliant on nourishment from the earth we were born out of. It serves as fuel, medicine, and strength all-in-one. Aside from the physical aspects, some people may find when life gets wild and unpredictable, food takes on an emotional form. (aka food anxieties develop)
In a recent post, I described some things no one tells you about going vegan. (It’s a pretty interesting article if I do say so myself—so go check it out!) One of the items I mentioned in the post was how a limited set of options can lead to restricted or disordered eating patterns. While food anxieties can affect anyone, my personality type can be a bit extreme and overly controlling. I have found, from my own experience, that my vegan preferences increase my desire to restrict food in other ways.
Why would someone want to control their food?
Simply put: food can be a clutch when other situations in life are not within your control. In this case, food may be the only thing you really feel you can control. When you’re sad, frustrated, bored, or experiencing any feeling, and you reach for food, you’re filling a void.
Many times, emotional eating patterns can be accompanied by food phobias. These are maybe things that you try to avoid (“off-limit” foods) but end up binging on. The off-limit foods may be ones you choose to avoid because some magazine article or fitness influencer told you they were bad. If we hold preconceived notions of “healthiness” and desire to only eat “healthy food”, there we are experiencing orthorexia at its finest.
Let it be known that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with food and omit foods. If you’re able to completely stay away from a certain food or consume it as an occasional treat, without any guilt, you’re probably not dealing with disordered eating patterns!
Tell-tale signs of disordered eating can come when food anxieties are stirred up needlessly! A Huffington Post article describes some behaviors below:
When food is the enemy, you’re going to continuously have to face it. This personal villain, if you will, is going to be on your mind a lot. The average person engages in eating three to five times in a day but thinks about eating nearly every hour (or every 38 minutes for men). That is multiple times a day you’re stressing about what to eat, what not to eat, how much to eat, and more!
The way I see it, there are two straightforward routes when dealing with food anxieties on your own. The first option is to abstain from food that you really want. Consequently, that can also kind of makes the food extra-desirable. We want what we cannot have. Therefore the second option is to partake in occasional indulgence. It may be just the ticket to moderate your consumption of a food while keeping you sane.
For myself personally, I still find that to lead to overindulgence. A “treat” can be a slippery slope because one snack or one serving might not seem like enough. Has anyone ever found themselves halfway through a loaf of banana bread only to suddenly feel very uncomfortably sick? Yeah, gluttony is not a cure for the feelings you’re trying to disguise by eating.
The thing is, food is not supposed to be feared or separated into “good” and “bad” categories. There are obviously some foods with greater nutritional profiles but how we feel when we go in for a bite also matters. Heck, it might even matter more!
I can’t tell you the magic trick to getting over food anxieties because there isn’t one. I believe those of us who struggle with this more intensely tend to place more emotional ties on food. It is a pattern we formed and, therefore, we can also break. How can we break it? It is going to sound simple but we simply make the choice. We say: enough is enough!
Food should not be a substitute for dealing with emotions. If you don’t feel emotionally well, try:
Going for a walk
Talking to a friend in-person or on the phone
Playing with your pet
Cleaning (works wonders to get your mind off of most anything!)
Watching a movie or listening to a song/podcast
Creating some art by drawing, writing, painting, etc.
And hey, if you genuinely are hungry, by all means, EAT
At the end of the day (not a literal day—give it some time), if you’ve tried all of the above mentioned techniques to overcome food anxieties, please seek help. I find I go through phases where this is more of a problem for me than other times. It helps me to recognize what my triggers are and then I can talk myself down. I think understanding the why behind the patterns proves useful. Then, I can take steps to combat them. I like to ask myself: is it true hunger that you feel right now or your emotions?
Thanks for reading! This is a subject really close to me. As much as I have the knowledge of how to properly manage my emotions, I don’t utilize my toolbox often enough. Temptations around food are strong; so the battle to overcome emotional eating is one that I have to deal with daily. I am a work in progress but I want to get to the place of freedom from food anxieties.
Have you dealt with food anxieties? What methods do you find to be helpful in dealing with them? Please share.
As a disclaimer: I am not a doctor or therapist. This article is not intended to treat, diagnose, or be a substitute for seeking professional assistance for an eating disorder.
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