Through the ups and downs of 2021, I recognize the biggest thing I’ve grappled with is giving myself permission to take up space. Today I share with you my reflections of the past year. These are the lessons I’ve learned, beliefs I’m integrating, and ideas I hope to carry with me (but perhaps may still need to be reminded of).
In keeping with the “Mel Makes It Happen” brand, I very much think of myself as being a go-getter. However I am so easily phased by setbacks or things not working out. Obstacles often make me take a step back, hermit (ala my 6/2 profile in Human Design) and think about the future that I want. Reflecting on my actions and the results can be productive but I recognize how much I was hibernating instead of making my dreams happen. I was waiting for something in my life to change instead of making my own moves.
My method for manifestation very much aligns with my Human Design type. I could write a whole post on what “waiting to respond” as a Manifesting Generator means to me but for now I’ll just say taking even a small action on anything can kickstart a lot.
So, enjoy reading about some things I’ve discovered, some things I’ve taken action on, and some ways I’ve been able to embrace myself more honestly this year.
// 2021 Reflections //
Leaning into my interests is the most powerful fuel I could ever ask for. It amps up my creativity, gives me something to look forward to, and helps me feel like I am progressing as I learn new information and skills and then apply them! Emphasis on apply!
When I was uninspired and each day felt like it was the same as the one before, I had to ask myself: what do I want to do and where am I spending my time now? I would fill my day with chores around the house, cooking or procrasti-baking (if you know, you know), or letting random emails derail me into a clickfest and Google search frenzy. We won’t even talk about the distraction that social media can be. After I had a clean picture of what my daily habits and tasks were, I slowly worked on penciling in pockets of time to do something pleasurable. I “made the time” as the phrase goes.
A big part of making time for my interests involved setting boundaries. I love just doing my thing and not having to inform anyone else about my personal doings but sometimes it helps to fill others in. One I have to reinforce every so often is: my mornings are for me—please don’t call me or disturb me at that time. A big boundary I had to set was around cooking for my family. I used to frequently make dinner for them but as I tried to make time for my own interests, it was taking too much time and energy from me and I had none left for the things that mattered to me.
Honestly, re-shaping my belief about what I am deserving of is also a huge thing I had to do this year. I come from Baby Boomer parents who had nothing handed to them and had to work for all they had. I have a father who says “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do” and a mom who never rests and constantly plays the martyr. Some important teachers in my life have shown me that life should not be joyless. That may not be a concept older generations grasp easily but I do not believe in a joyless life. I am not here to live a joyless life. Thus, it is important for me to prioritize the habits and activities and whatever else helps me feel like and be the best me.
I’ve had to trust the feeling and not what sounds good on paper. Bless my parents and friends who just want me to get a stable job and a reliable income and save up money. They’re heard me talk about what I want, a desire to live someplace else, cravings for more, and dreams I’d like to make real. They always bring it down to money, though, as if this is the key to a happy life. The times I’ve worked jobs just for the money, I’ve either exhausted myself so much that I feel uninspired or simply have little energy to do what I want to do when I have the time. It doesn’t make sense to work so hard for money and not feel like it’s making my life better. What does feel like it’s making my life better is setting my own routine, being able to stretch and walk around, take a lunch break when I want to, and being able to spend time on my art.
Right now, I am not employed in the traditional sense of the word. I don’t work a job where I clock in and clock out. I haven’t wanted that for a long time and I think it’s been a shadow-y piece of my psyche for a while, something I’ve been afraid to admit. I don’t want a traditional job! *Imagine me screaming this from the rooftops* I’ve been afraid to tell others because they’ll think “Okay, if not a traditional job, what then?” and I don’t have an answer for them. I don’t really know what my work life is going to consist of because I’m still creating it today. It isn’t as simple as a title of this or that because I wear many hats to feed my diverse interests.
To embrace an unconventional path has also meant learning that not everyone is going to understand me. I try so hard to make others understand me by going out of my way to research and explain things that I don’t personally feel necessary. I don’t have all the answers (I likely have very few, if that) but I do have a trust that the right opportunities come through for me when I decide I’m worth investing in. Perhaps this is the freshest reflection on this list, as I am just beginning to embrace this. It feels so good to my Leo moon to be seen and understood but not everyone is going to see what I see and I have to be okay with that. I may wait forever—as I felt like I was, months ago—if I am waiting for someone to validate my interests, my ideas, and my existence, truthfully.
Of a similar thread, I can’t let the fear of not being liked keep me from being myself. I’ve always tended to people-please, preferring not to rock the boat, because I thought this was the key to friendship and love. With Uranus transiting over my ascendant this year, this has felt like added encouragement to stop worrying about what others think of me. It’s a huge worry! Yet, the person I’ve been cultivating within is asking to come out more and more and it is a disservice to that person to stay small. I realize that there’s a lot of people who don’t like me and I’ve gone out of my way to try to appease them. I can’t create world peace but I can be transparent and put my most authentic foot forward and hope that the people who are for me will stick around and anyone not interested will just move along.
With that concluding my 2021 Reflections, I’ll leave you with a few things I am hoping to carry with me or do more of in 2022:
I want to practice being my own validation. Give myself permission to take up more space, talk about my interests, and do the things I want to do without waiting for some exterior force to first tell me that what I’m thinking/feeling is valid.
I want to have the courage to try, to ask for help, and seek accountability when needed. In 2021 I worked with a coach/therapist, dove into ceramics classes at a local studio, and started taking singing lessons. I also worked with a business coach that was a little beyond me and signed up for business classes that didn’t align. You win some, you lose some, but either way you learn. I want to keep being unafraid to try.
Surround myself with people I can vibe with. Friendships have always been a challenge for me (Saturn in the 11th house) but I feel like stepping into my passions helps give me confidence in who I am, thus, allowing friendships with like-minded folks more natural.
Grow my business—whatever that might be. Right now, I’m loving doing art and am open to seeing where that goes. That may mean doing art events, commissions, selling prints online, murals(!!), or who knows! As well, I love using Astrology and Human Design to understand myself and the world and I hope to share these tools with people more in 2022. As someone who has struggled to feel worthy and deserving for much of my life, I seek to help others overcome that habit of playing small and I know that will carry through in whatever business endeavors I pursue.
Follow my strategy and authority. This is Human Design speak for trusting myself and taking steps! All steps lead somewhere so be unafraid to take steps even if I don’t know where I’ll end up. The picture will clarify along the way.
Keep pursuing joy. What excites me, fuels me, and makes me happy is the path I want to be on and the right path for me.
I think that sums up some of my most valued takeaways from this year. It’s hard to make sense of what was happening as I was in the thick of it but I feel like I have more clarity now looking back. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my 2021 Reflections! Feel free to share this post with a friend or leave a comment letting me know any reflections of yours.
As one year ends and another one slides open, I want to part ways on a note of appreciation. So even as my mind can’t help but think of where else I could be, I’d like to share my 202 Reflections with you all. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not wishing for another life or feeling regrets about the one I have lived thus far. I simply feel the start of the New Year aligning with the start of a new beginning for me, as well. I hate to find parallels with the cliché of the whole new year, new me mantra, but it’s not all that far off. I feel like Melanie 2.0!
It feels like I have done so much in this past year alone, but a lot of what happened this year was connected to healing parts of myself from younger years. I’ve done everything from restarting hobbies to unpacking beliefs to trying to simply make things feel safe again. I have met myself at the brink of hell and discovered peace. That’s not to say that I have evolved into a unique state of emotional neutrality where I don’t feel things at all. On the contrary, I have faced some dark and uncomfortable parts of myself and gave myself grace and love so that I could work through it. Over and over, and over again.
So when I say that I’ve dealt with my personal hell and discovered peace, it just means that I have fallen flat on my face enough times that I know I can pick myself back up again–and that’s a pretty cool feeling.
At the end of the day all you really have is you, after all.
You’ve got to love yourself more than anything because you can’t just wait around for someone else to say they love you. You’ve got to want to be better for yourself because that’s the only way you can change your circumstances. You’ve got to be your own advocate because no one else is living this life for you. When you start doing that inside work of putting yourself first, especially after a long time of silencing your heart, that’s when you’ll see the outside world begins to change, too.
If 2020 was about realizing how I no longer needed to keep myself small, what’s next, I can only imagine, is more growth, more expansion, and more freedom.
It is with that mindset that I want to go into 2021. I want to have my tools in place and myself in check, and my game face on!
Moving beyond the “old wiring”
To clarify on what I said at the beginning about how I can’t help but think of where else I could be, it’s like there’s this little voice in the back of my mind that says, “You’ve wasted time and there’s no point in trying anymore”. It is fear talking. It is old wiring and circuitry in my brain that is trying to make a comeback as it senses I’m about to change. Our minds and bodies aren’t programmed to like change (it’s often uncomfortable!) but we can reprogram how we think. That essentially comes down to questioning beliefs and re-learning behaviors which is what I teach in Self-Worth Coaching.
And hey, if this all sounds new and foreign to you, then that’s okay. Maybe this will be something you can explore this year! If not, that’s cool too. We are all at a different place in our unique paths of life and each of those places is right where we are meant to be for now.
I am also at a place where I can recognize when fear speaks to me and I can speak back louder.
I can say: yes, it is true that I have spent a lot of time exploring my interests and diving down rabbit holes that led nowhere, but did they really lead nowhere if I am now here? The fear wants to say that I should have my life together and I should be stable or have my career, relationships, passions, health, or insert whatever thing here figured out.
I share this not because I want to dwell on things that I’ve done in the past that no longer have a place in my life, but because I know that we have all done that at some point or another. It’s called living. It’s called being a human: to try things, make mistakes, and grow.
So I have made the most of the moments I’ve had these past 365 days. Many times taking two steps forward and three steps back; yet persisting anyway. I don’t think I’ve had a particularly interesting year if you are looking for tangible or material markers of success, such as attending big events or buying luxury items. However I don’t rate the success of my life based only on tangible things–especially when so much of what has been beautiful this year is intangible.
It’s hard to put into words everything that I have felt this year, but you can certainly read some of my previous blog posts to get some insight on that, like:
I said “I love you” for the first time in a long time
I came up with a recipe for carob chocolate
I created my own practice for connecting with my highest self
I set my own definitions of spirituality
I was on a podcast besides my own
I danced for fun
I prioritized daily stretching exercises
I found some helpful TMJ healing tools
I rediscovered my favorite crystal
I stopped apologizing when I didn’t mean it
And so much more….
Appreciation
Need I go on? I truly could go on. I don’t feel that this list even puts a dent in all that I have experienced. So, as you read my 2020 reflections and think of your year, I hope you can also think about the little ways that you’ve learned and grown. I guarantee you, your list is probably a lot more exciting than mine but you’ve got to be the one to have gratitude for what’s happened: the good and the bad and everything in between.
Have gratitude not because you liked going through bad, tough, or uncomfortable times (who does?) but because you had an experience! It’s the little things that make up the big things and when we give thanks for even the littlest things, it makes it that much more special when we take note of the bigger things.
2021 Intentions
I could write a whole post on my 2021 intentions. I might still do that but I will share one intention here, as this is a post welcoming in 2021! There has been much growth within me and I just want to see more of that in the next year. There were times this past summer where I just really wanted to be me in 5 years or me in 20 years. I wanted to be further along than I am now. I wanted to jump ahead to that place where I had life more figured out.
I don’t want to ignore the present moment though because this is where the future begins. The future is created in the now. It might be a bit of a paradox to say that I want to see growth in myself because naturally I am going to keep growing, but I also want to keep taking up space. I’ve put in distinct efforts to break out of the boxes I had placed myself in and felt so comfortable with this year. I don’t need to do that anymore.
So here’s to looking forward to a year of more growth and continuing to take up space as my authentic self.
At this time last year, I was clutching onto the hope of a better future as the sole motivating force to move me forward.
I don’t mean to speak lightly of this but, for the first time in my life, I was having suicidal thoughts. New Year’s Eve 2018 was the culmination of all the feelings of everything that “went wrong” over the course of the year. The future was, blissfully, painted in my mind as a hard-to-imagine dream of a better life.
Yet, that was enough to propel me into 2019 but this year I had a lot of healing to do: starting with all of the baggage I brought with me from 2018.
Before diving into that, I’ll just mention that it’s been a while since I’ve written for my blog. I’ve applied my energy to different places like my podcast, and also shared my heart on Instagram a lot more. You can read or watch some of that journey on recent posts or this IGTV story.
Anyway, in 2018, I dealt with being taken advantage of in different ways: under-appreciation in my workplace, belittling and passive-aggressive attacks from my boss, overextending myself in a relationship that I saw more into than he did. Plus, this was when my chronic health issues began popping up because HELLO, STRESS was at an all-time high.
When I came out of all of that (let go from the job, relationship ended, unemployed for months), I felt defeated–as though I had lost everything. If I look at it now, and even at the time, the situation sucked but a part of me felt I was deserving of better. What exactly? I didn’t know. I knew I wanted better but I didn’t know if that was possible.
So, 2019 brought a lot of much-needed self-work. Some deep subconscious digging to reveal my wounds and unleash underlying trauma. I learned where I gave too much and tested when it is okay to let go. I exercised putting boundaries in place, after being in far too many uncomfortable situations, and discovered where I’m selling myself short. I won’t say this has all been easy (MONTHS of work here) but it has all been monumental for defining a sense of worth and love for myself.
The remaining issue at the moment feels like the hardest thing to manage: my chronic health problems. These fluctuated throughout the year, increasing and transcending into more nuanced concerns as I focused on them.
However, I now see a direct correlation to the issues I was having and my sense of self.
The pain, aches, tightness, and discomfort were FEAR that I had developed a close relationship with. I let fear turn into a security blanket because I knew growing would be uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready to face it. At least staying “here” in what I’m used to is, well, a discomfort I am well-acquainted with. A little SICK, I know. “I don’t have anything if I don’t have my health,” I’d say. So, to match with the areas I felt small in life, I created worries about my own physical body to keep me out of vibrant health. And thus the dedicated health-obsessed me will stop at nothing to solve the ailments! Although, really, I did not need to look far because the solution was in me. Dissatisfaction in life turned into dissatisfaction in my body. Fully self-created. Again, because this is an area (a pain) I could control.
My sense of self has returned this past month–and brighter than ever. I recognize the story I was creating for myself; I hope in doing so, I’ve cracked the code on healing the residual issues I had left to heal. Then, I can focus on other stuff. ACTUALLY moving forward the way I want. LIVING LIFE. GOING ON ADVENTURES. CREATING ART. Yeah, there’s a lot I want to do!
The proudest moments for me are not just what I’ve done but, more importantly, how I’ve grown. And my, oh my, have I done a lot of growing in 2019.
Now is the time to pull all of the knowledge and advice acquired from teachers in their many forms (friends, podcast guests, social media influencers, etc.) to recite my biggest lessons from 2019:
Let go of the idea that things could’ve gone any differently.
If there is something you can change, ponder over it, see what you can do, but if not, there is no sense dwelling on it. The past is in the past. (see more)
Life is beautiful if you allow it to be.
Every experience has led up to this point now. You just make the most of the cards you’re dealt.
The biggest fallacy is that anyone has or will ever have it all figured out. Everyone is at a different place in their life, each with their own struggles and strengths. They’re all just trying their best but you can’t compare one person’s journey to another’s.
There is something to appreciate in every moment.
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” – The Alchemist
You cannot control others’ perception of you. All you can do is focus on being the bestyou that you can be.
Someone else can’t “make you” feel anything.
“If it feels like it’s you versus the world, chances are, it’s really just you versus yourself.” – Mark Manson
“Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.” – Mark Manson
Let go of the belief that you “can’t” do something.
Sometimes you have to do it scared.
“You suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Cynic of the Younger
There is no worse place to sit than in indecision so, when deciding whether or not to take action, always take action.
Let go of the idea that there is only ONE THING. In fact, life will be comprised of many things.
Success comes with trying, failing, and then using that as insight and motivation to make improvements. (see more)
You don’t need to make yourself small to benefit someone else.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from people, opportunities, or things that are not the right fit. The right thing is on its way.
I mentioned some direct quotes above but other lessons on this list are my interpretation of wisdom from many people including the following: Michelle Mercado, Israel Rodriguez, Lacy Phillips, Mark Manson, Michael Bosstick, Alex Coll.
The plan is to keep sharing in 2020, as I’ve discovered just how important expression is to me. So, if you’re sticking around for the journey, then thank you. Truly.
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