I’ve never been the girl who celebrates my birthday in any grand sort of way. My best girl friend (whom I’ve known since junior high), for example, has continued to have week-long birthday celebrations ever since I met her. I’m not about completely dismissing my day but, rather, I tend to use it as a marker for reflections of the past year.
I look back on where I was a year ago today and, at first glance, I am the same. It’s frustrating to think a whole year has gone by and, just like last year, I am currently jobless and questioning my life’s purpose. Not in a melodramatic sort of way, but in a I-can’t-wait-until-I-can-find-
On the other hand, it isn’t fair for me to completely dismiss my experiences. Even if I seemingly am in such similar circumstances to last year, my last year’s self could not have predicted the things I went through!
- Shortly after my birthday last year, I finally got hired somewhere. It was part time for the holiday season. Around a week into the job, I found out I was chosen for a full time position at an office job I’d applied for. I began my new job in mid-November and continued my part time job through the first week of January. I never thought I’d be hustling with two jobs like that but I did it!
- I’m a bit timid around new people so both of my jobs really threw me into the water with all of the customer servicing and coworker communications I needed to learn. I still have a little anxiety about talking to people but it’s far less. The circumstances and needs of the jobs helped me break out of my shell!
I learned what it means to employ self-care when time really doesn’t allow it.
- Everyone has things going on but, admittedly, it is easier to tend to yourself when you don’t have a full time job and obligations to others. I’d literally squeeze in morning workouts for the sake of starting my day doing something for me. My life felt controlled by time so I savored even moments to just eat a meal in peace and quiet. That was all I could manage because other activities I enjoyed, like: journaling, meditation, leisurely cooking, painting, and writing for melmakesithappen.com weren’t happening regularly.
- I also went through a hell of a lot of mental and physical health issues, perhaps largely brought on by stress. So, I really had to relearn what self-care means for me.
The challenge of standing up for myself and knowing my place was an interesting one.
- I’ve always been a person who speaks her mind so that presented some problems at my workplace. Though, opening up about myself (under appropriate circumstances) also enabled me to make some really cool friends. I’m not delusional enough to think I am going to be liked by everybody. Still, I learned the hard way that there are going to be some people that just don’t like me. It may not even have anything to do with something I am doing wrong, and I probably won’t ever get a real reason why.
- Though, there are actual people who like me like me. Yeah; I hadn’t even contemplated the idea of dating until I started working. The people I know from school and the ones I come into contact with around town are just not into the same things as me. I’d seriously thought I’d be a singleton 4 life! All jokes aside, I dated not one but two coworkers back-to-back. I’d never intended for that to happen but, after casually dating someone in my department for a few months, I met this other guy from a different department in my building. Simply put, I felt the sparks immediately.
I fell in love.
- There is no way to say it without sounding woo-woo or completely ludicrous but I believe he is
the onesomeone I’ll always cherish having met. We met under less than ideal circumstances. Situationally, things were not in our favor because of work and his personal uncertainties about himself. We couldn’t be open about our relationship but that didn’t stop us from opening up to each other. We had so much in common. Yet, in the ways we differed, we still sought to lift the other person up. - For the first time in my life, I felt open to the possibility of commitment, marriage, and maybe even children. I can’t express how much of a deal this is so I’ll quote my best friends reaction when I told her how I felt about him: “What? Melanie? The woman who needs no man?!” It shocked me and everyone around me. I loved myself but I loved who I was when I was with him. It was the most special and true feeling I’ve ever felt. He said I taught him a lot and, equally, I feel like I learned so much from him. I’d like to
think we will reconnect when the time is rightmake peace with the way things ended between us. It doesn’t do me any good to dwell. So I’m moving forward and trying to relearn what it means to be me.
I didn’t realize how quick of a fall it is to rock bottom and how far of a climb up it takes.
- Basically, after getting (both of) my jobs, I felt confident and capable! I knew I could learn and excel with just a bit of training and practice. Yet, in the words of Taylor Swift, “people throw rocks at things that shine” (Ours). Slowly, that took a toll and, couple that with the ending of my relationship, I fell into depression and simply couldn’t keep my head above water. After leaving my full time job, I felt relief. I was extremely saddened to lose all that I had spent months building but I realize I had become so weakened and unhappy that I was at an ultimate low point.
- My family has my back. Oh, how I disregarded them the moment things got busier with me and my jobs. I wanted to avoid bringing the outside into my house so they didn’t know too much about what I had going on day-to-day. It wasn’t until things got bad that I broke down and told them. Their support was everything. Even now, when I sort of feel like I’ve lost it all, they’re here for me.
This brings me to now. I’m just a girl, another year older. I am taking a class at community college, searching for a part time job, and just trying to find direction. I’m still confused about what my place is but reflection shows me I am making strides.
Not too different from a year ago, right? (Well, I guess you wouldn’t know that.) Situationally, October 1st, 2018 does look rather similar to October 1st, 2017. Yet, inside of me the changes are vast. I can’t begin to predict what my 24th year will bring but I’m here and I’m ready.
Xoxo,
Melanie