Healing is a funny thing.
We as people tend to look at actions as something with a definitive conclusion. Like, the way you can say you walked to the park. Your action was walking and you got to the park. End of action, end of story. Yet, there are some actions that happen as more of a process. Healing is more of a process.
Today’s post is about the expectations placed around the process of healing. It isn’t as straightforward as we may want it to be and I’m diving into some of the reasons I’ve found we may be resistant “to heal”. The photo above is a poem I wrote during a thick part of my healing process. Throughout this post, I’ve also included some of my favorite quotations on the subject which I found on my home space, Instagram. If you like this post, definitely don’t hesitate to drop a comment or share this post with a friend!
A little bit of back-story…
Last year, I went through some emotionally trying times and I was in a major state of constant ups and downs. In my pit of depression, I’d search for glimmers of light to push me to move forward. It might have been a creative idea or a small motivational phrase but it would be enough incentive for me to pick myself up. I’d start to feel okay and fathom the possibility that: hey, maybe I’m all better now! Then, when I least expected it, the most minute thing would remind me of the hurt or sadness I experienced and I’d feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole all over again.
There are many facets of emotion to work through and sometimes the best we can aim for is feeling OKAY.
Maybe for some people, they only need to go through a down and up experience once and then “they are healed” or they’ve learned their lesson. For others, it can take a little bit longer. This could be dependent on how much you internalize the obstacle you’re trying to work through. The more connected you feel to a problem the more it really becomes your problem. This can certainly be a great cause for change if there is action you can take to better the situation.
Yet, what happens when the experience you feel so connected to is in the past? When there isn’t any current action you can take to improve the experience? You essentially have to make a choice on whether you want to stay stuck in the past or take a risk on the unknown of the future.
In healing, the priority is to uncover the root issue so that we can move forward with success.
When you associate so closely to experiences that are in the past that is where you will stay. The days will certainly go on and time will keep moving forward but everything you are holding onto will keep you from enjoying the present. Consequently, if you remain stuck in the past, you won’t ever truly work through the experience that has plagued you.
Most problems that exist are only problems because we choose to see them that way.
You may run into the same fundamental issue of an obstacle in different forms—that can be: situations, figurative roadblocks, people, or anything. The challenging part is dealing with the real, root issue that is causing distress. While it may seem easier to sweep emotions under the rug, you’re choosing to limit your spectrum for happiness. If we view something as a problem but never seek to understand it, the problem still exists inside of us and it will keep manifesting in the physical world until we address it. To put it plainly, emotions need proper acknowledgement or else we won’t ever “heal”. That is a fact.
I’d like to say healing is a 3 step process of: 1) Recognize what limiting beliefs you hold, 2) Acknowledge your problem, 3) The problem is gone! However, healing does not work like that. I’ll restrain from saying healing takes time (though I suppose I did still say it) and argue the more actionable step in healing is deciding when you’ve had enough and can be at peace with the state of the situation, whatever that may be.
The down and ups that I talked about earlier happened more times than I can count just pertaining to one situation. I told myself that I wanted to overcome the experience although I mostly just wanted to overcome the pain, discomfort, and sadness parts. Unknowingly at the time, I wanted to maintain the association I had with my experience because I was optimistic and hoped for things to turn around. Yet, I had reached the end of the road long ago and just didn’t want to believe that was true.
One of my favorite phrases is: healing isn’t linear. There’s no ONE WAY to heal. It will look different for everyone and it will look different for each hardship you face.
Healing can involve:
- Holding onto the experience to define you and creating new labels for yourself
- Pandering between wanting to control a situation and letting go
- Feeling like the best is behind you and opening up to the possibility that better things are ahead
- Connecting with your emotional experience and wanting to separate from it
- Sinking into the deep hole that is your pain and using it as a motivator to climb out
- Wishfully looking at your past experience and also towards the future
It is hard to say when healing really is complete.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, even after you work through one hardship, there will be more to come. In Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, he makes an interesting point that problems are always going to exist. Though, working through them helps us develop skills, gain perspective, and resilience. Consequently, we will be set up to get slightly better problems in the future and likely be more equipped to handle them!
I’ve gone through moments where I think I’ve truly worked through what I need to come to terms with and made my peace. Then, something new comes up and I find myself confused, frustrated, or in a random bout of sadness and tearing up. I accept all of these parts of me and that’s how I know that I’m healing. It’s a cycle, it’s an ebb and flow, and it’s a constant learning process.
I hope this post finds you when you can use it most. If you are going through the back and forth feelings as a result of hardship, I hope you know you are exactly where you need to be.
Xoxo
Melanie